Italian tanks

I heard this joke the other day.

Italian tanks have 5 gears, 1 for forward and 4 for reverse. Why one gear forward? In case the enemy comes from behind!

Little Red Riding Hood: Assassin

Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She had a sick grandmother who lived in the middle of the forest. Everyday, she would carry a basket with food and visit her.

This day was just like any other…

“Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red Riding Hood to the sick old woman.

“Cancer of the cornea, my child.” Little Red examines her grandmother’s eyes. “Metastatic. This looks terminal.”

“I am going to die, my child. But before I do, there’s something I’d like to tell you.”

But as Little Red leans closer to her grandmother the better to hear her, an old man silently enters the room, creeps up just behind Little Red, and knocks her out cold with a stick. Red crumples to the floor.

The old man approaches the grandmother. “At last, Gwendolyn. For the last 50 years I’ve been looking for you in every possible country. I finally found you. Now I will kill you.”

“Prince…Prince Charming…is that you?”

“Of course, Gwen, how many Prince Charmings do you know?”

“I’m glad to hear that. But before you kill me, I would like to tell you the story. The real story about what happened between Snow White and me 50 years ago.”

“All right. Go ahead, Gwen.”

“Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Snow White…”

Flashback to 50 years ago.

A fence named Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall with assorted genuine watches on one hand. Then two hip-hop hoodlums in leather jackets and shades come along from behind.

“Yo, ‘bro. I feel hungry,” says the one they call Doc.

“Yeah, me too Grump boy. Hey, see what I see?” He looks hungrily at the fence. They walk up to him. “Yo, egghead!”

“Oh, hey, hey, hi guys,” says Humpty Dumpty with a wide grin and a nervous but extremely annoying obstreperous tone. He drops a watch.

“Heard business’ doin’ good. Got any dough for us, man?” Grumpy steps on the watch.

“Hey, man, I payin’ my dues, see? Paid it all yesterday. Da watch’s yours!”

“What watch?” Grumpy crushes it under his foot. “Dat wuz yesterday, Dumby. I mean, whattabout now?”

“Ain’t got no dough, man! C’mon! Serious! Think ahm lyin'? Why should I Doc, eh, Grump? Eh? Hey! Hey!”

Grumpy and Doc beat up Humpty Dumpty, and walk away with some cash, leaving the fence squirming on the ground.

“Let’s get somethin’ t’eat.”


Meanwhile, in a room, three goons are sitting quietly around a table playing poker. The one they call Sneezy is smoking a cigar; Bashful has his foot on the table and is studying his cards; and Happy is looking at his cards and very seriously. Sleepy sits by the door sleeping. Dopey is talking into his cell phone.

After a moment of this Impressionist scene, Sneezy quietly speaks to Happy. “You’re cheating.” If looks can kill…

“WHA? ME CHEETIN? YOU CHEATIN! YOU CHEATIN! ME NOT CHEATIN!”

“Hey, cool it Happy! Cool it. We’re all brothers here, man! Brothers forever!”

Grumpy and Doc enter the room, looking very full, breaking the already broken tension. High fives and esoteric handshakes are exchanged.

“Yo bro’s!,” says Grumpy. “You ain’t gonna believe this bloke Humpty Dumb Ass. Said he got no dough. But we fixed him up real good, man, you know.”

“Yeah, real good. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put dumb ass together again, that kind of good, you know,” rejoins Doc. He walks up behind Happy, looks at his cards, and slaps him on the shoulder, with a big smile and a raucous voice. “Hey, man, you cheatin’! HA HA HA!”

“WHA? ME CHEETIN??? YOU CHEATIN! YOU CHEATIN! ME NOT CHEATIN!”

With hardly anyone noticing it, Sneezy, expressionless, with his eyes fixed on the nervous and unlooking Happy, calmly stands, puts a hand into a breast pocket. And just as he draws out a gun…

“Hello boys!” Snow White enters the room.

Everybody stops and looks at the alluring and regal matriarch of the dreaded Magical Mafia. “Good afternoon, Snow!”

“Sit down, sit down. Put that back Sneezy darling, I’ll have a job for you in a moment. Boys, I have an important announcement to make.”

She shoves Bashful aside and takes his place at the center of the table. Bashful immediately gets a mirror and holds it for Snow White as she edits her make-up.

“Well, I foresee the imminent demise of our maleficent Queen Gwen, who made it a crime to sell choco-ecstasy in grade schools all over the kingdom and forced us into the bubblegum business. Worst of all, she’s threatening to take Prince Charming from me. Does she think the Prince will ever believe that I’m the boss of the Magic Mafia?”

“You ARE the boss of the Magic Mafia! Yoohooo!” exclaim the goons.

“Well, she won’t if she’s dead, would she? And that’s exactly what I’m announcing: my plan to eliminate Gwen. And here’s how it goes.

“First thing tomorrow, she gets a letter from a Mr. Adada Muhammudu asking her to deposit $10,000.00 in an overseas account so she can receive $20 million from the heirs of a Mrs. Jewel Howard Taylor. She will immediately trash the letter knowing that it’s Nigerian mail fraud. The wastebasket is by the window, which faces another window across the street. In that other window will be a naked man doing calisthenics. (I’ve paid good money for this, you know.) At the exact right moment, boys, Gwen will see the man, then call the police to report him. But the police line is tapped, and the call will reach Sneezy darling over here, who, disguised as a policeman, will go up to that floor with an antitank missile disguised as a walkie-talkie, and then fire it straight into the Queen’s window across the street, eliminating her.

“That, my boys, is the plan.”

Everybody stands up and applauds.

Then, suddenly, Sleepy by the door collapses. Before anyone could react, so does Bashful. Then one of the goons shouts, “It’s, it’s…!”

“Gwendolyn.” A hooded figure in red enters the room. She clearly is a powerful person, like a Jedi. She removes the hood. “Hello, Snow White.”

“Get her boys,” says Snow White calmly.

The goons attack. One by one or in two’s, it does not matter. She is a taekwondo expert and quickly gets rid of them all. Only Snow White is left.

“Impressive, QUEEN Gwendolyn. For your age. May I ask, dear, how did you find out?” She calmly turns her back and takes out a make-up kit and continues doing her face.

“Timing, Snow. Your window man? Was practicing. Booked him yesterday for indecent exposure. Started singing. Took 3 minutes.”

Then the two women started speaking in a language that only women understand. We shall do our best to translate it.

SNOW: "Bakit ayaw nyo pa rin sa akin kahit sosyal at maganda ako? Dahil ba mas sweet ang iba?". (I like your hair, dear. Where did you have it made ba?)

GWEN: "Pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! (Ricky did it. I like your bag; think it’ll go well with that blouse I showed you three weeks ago?)

SNOW: "Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa tuwing wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod na ako sa pagngiti!" (Of course naman. But Ricky??? My gosh, he ruined my bangs the last time. Ruined! But you know what? I heard he’s getting married.)

GWEN: "You can cry all you want, you could always blame me. You said, itwasn't fair, that you just want life to be better. But remember, it's all your fault! You stabbed me with a knife! But, I won’t kill you, Snow. Not for Charming."

SNOW: “Let’s finish it all here, Gwen.”

Snow turns around; she has a gun in one hand. She fires. Gwen is hit.

“Arggh!” Gwen drops to the floor.

As she falls wounded, an apple rolls out from her dress. Snow White picks up the apple. “You never even thank me for making you happy, Gwen, then you throw me away just like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit!" Smiling maliciously at Gwen, she takes a bite.

And chokes.

She crumples to the ground. But before the lights go out she says, “Akh! You won’t get away Gwen. You think you poisoned me? I poisoned Charming! He’s going to hunt you, chase you, make you wish you were never…Akh Akh… born. He’ll kill you, Gwen…Akh.”

And with this she falls dead. Gwen, wounded, limps her way out of the room and disappears.

Just then a dashing figure of a Prince comes in. “SNOW!”

He runs to the dead mafiosa. “Check the pulse, check the pulse,” he says to himself. “DEAD! What happened Snow, what happened??? An apple. With her lipstick. Hmmm…I’m beginning to see a pattern here…POISON! This could only be the work of…of… let me see… let me see…QUEEN GWENDOLYN! Yes! That’s it: poison! QUEEN GWENDOLYN, I SWEAR, FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WILL HUNT YOU, CHASE YOU, MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!!”

And with this he leaves.

We’re back in the sick room, the aging Gwendolyn on the bed with corneal cancer, and the aging Prince Charming with a gun pointed limply at the old woman, who is already unconscious.

He speaks, “So, if she took the apple herself, then you didn’t kill her. Therefore, if she was the bad one, then you must be the good one. I’m beginning to see a pattern here…let me see…let me see…GWENDOLYN! I’M SO SOOOOORRY!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! YOU’RE THE ONE I REALLY LOVE! DON’T DIE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! P--”

Little Red Riding Hood, who had been knocked out earlier, rises to her feet, unbeknownst to Prince Charming. She pulls out a gun with a silencer, walks up behind the Prince, calmly—professionally--points the gun to his nape. The cold, inevitable steel of the weapon makes him stop in mid-sentence.

Without a look of surprise and without turning, Prince Charming raises his head, and smiles. “Ahh, yes, The Little Red Riding Hood. Gwendolyn's best student. No, don’t speak. Yes, you might think I killed your grandmother today. That’s false. I killed her 50 years ago. She got rid of her royal life, disappeared into the criminal underworld, rather than give the order to eliminate me, something she could have done so easily herself for she was the empoisonneuse par excellence and grand mistress of a sorority of assassins! She has trained you well, I see.

No, don’t speak. I shall be rather thankful if you killed me now.”

Red Riding Hood hesitates. At this dramatic point, Bambi the Deer prances in, singing this song:

Love is a song that never ends
Life may be swift and fleeting
Hope may die yet love's beautiful music
Comes each day like the dawn

And Red Riding Hood, the world’s greatest assassin, shoots Bambi dead.

The End.

(Thanks to the IT's: Cheks, Jazel, Jenny, Je, Matthew, Andrew, Arvin, Rowel, Jay, Sam, Chester, Iggy, Kat, and Ulrich. We all got together to write this story one afternoon, while acting it out.)

Sir Galahad and the Witch

Once upon a time, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, were galloping around Camelot when they were surrounded by a band of strange knights.

"Halt there, King Arthur. You are trespassing in the realm of King Olaff. I'm afraid we have to put you under arrest," said the leader of the band.

"You have reason, gallant knight. And you far outnumber us. As I do not wish to shed blood on such a matter, then we will just have to go with you," said King Arthur.

And so they were escorted to the castle of King Olaff.

"Good day, King Arthur. I see you have been galloping around again; too bad you trespassed. As per our agreement, you and your men will have to spend a week in jail," said the fat King Olaff, his fatty belly bouncing with every breath of amused movement.

"Hopefully not this time, good King Olaff. For I and my knights must prepare for Sir Percival's daughter who is coming of age in three days. Have you received the invitations?"

"As a matter of fact, I have, O King. But an agreement is an agreement. Nevertheless, since you are a gentleman, I will give you an option. Give me an answer to this riddle--and I'll give you a whole year to look for the answer. If you come back to me next year with the correct answer, you shall go. If not, you must spend time in my jail. You'll like the new bling blings I've added, by the way."

"Agreed, King Olaff. What is your riddle?"

"The riddle, O King, is this: What do women really want?"

Laughing inside, King Arthur says, "Are you certain you do not want a week? But, then, a year you say and a year it shall be. We shall return with the answer. In the meantime, I shall expect you at Camelot in three days?"

"You've given me a king's word, and I'll give you mine. What do women really want. Farewell!"

And off they went.

Almost a year later, King Arthur and his Knights were sitting around the Round Table. The mood was not quite right.

"We have 24 hours to find the answer to Olaffable's riddle. I do not wish to spend time in his jail, new interiors notwithstanding. How did I ever cram on this," sighed King Arthur.

"You were too busy on papers, presentations, group work. And some experts were not available for consultation. It's understandable," said Percival.

"Drop it," interjected Lancelot. "We've surveyed everyone who matters in this kingdom. We've gone to every barber, every fish seller, every mailman. Yet all gave unsatisfactory answers."

"OF COURSE!" exclaimed Gawain, making everybody jump. "There is still one more person we have not asked. A wicked old hag living in the very frontiers of Camelot."

"Then let's get to her, man!" says King Arthur.

"O King, it is not so easy," said Gawain. "For three reasons. First of all, she's evil incarnate."

"You don't know my mother-in-law," said King Arthur.

"She stinks."

"How bad?"

Gawain whispers something so disgusting to King Arthur's ear that he almost vomits.

"We'll bring a gallon of ammonia. Each." Then, to himself, "We'll probably have to throw in a flame thrower also." And speaking to Gawain, "What's the--(ewww!)--third?"

"She's very very ugly. As in."

"How ugly?"

"She looks like Kris Aquino, only thinner." (He was referring, of course, to Kris Aquino, King Arthur's plumber, whom historians say was actually a transvestite.)

"Fine. We're knights. We can do it. Let's not a minute waste! Ask the page to prepare the ammonia and the flame thrower ("Flame thrower?" whispered Lancelot.), get the horses ready, and off we go!"

So they made their way to the witch's domain.

It was clear they had arrived when rainforest abruptly gave way to shrub desert. Here was a dead bird, over there a dead rabbit, and over there a scabby dog gnawing at its own tail. And in the middle of all this wasteland, radiating evil 360 degrees, was a worn down cottage, its walls covered by dog hide in various places, its roof held in place by rubber tires; and in front, a sign that said "Forget the dog. Beware of--", the last word hidden by a knife impaling what oddly looked like a pig's heart dissected.

After bathing in ammonia, King Arthur ("I wonder what ek eks Olaffingstock added to his dungeon...") goes up to the cottage. "Hello. Anyone home?"

The door opens, and out comes the ugliest hag ever encountered in English literature. "Hus dis?" she says. "Wacha want?" She was eating a cob of corn. Through her nose.

"I'm King Arthur, and I need to ask you a question: What do women really want?"

The wicked witch continued to gnaw at her corn.

"Wellll?"

"Heh? Wana me t'answer dat? Shud'v sed so. Why d'you wana know?" Then to herself, "King, king, duzn't know t'speak clearly."

King Arthur explains.

Then to King Arthur she says, "Yeah, King Smells-Like-Piss, ahl answer dat. But I wana somethin' in payment."

"Agreed, witch. Whatever. What do you ask?"

"If wat ah say is right, you must give me one of your knights in marriage!"

At this, even the horses panicked, if not for the strong hands of their masters, who in deep despair looked at each other, and especially to their impulsive King.

After about two minutes of this, Sir Galahad spoke. "O King Arthur, it is clear that this knight should be me."

Everyone looked at him. King Arthur said, "I verily salute your courage; I would have said the same thing in your place. But why you, Sir Galahad?"

"I'm the only one who's not married yet." Galahad looked very very VERY forlorn.

A pause. Then King Arthur said, "Well, I thank you for this sacrifice. If ever a greater honor than a knight there was, I shall have rewarded you with it. (Whose f***** horse trampled on that flame thrower?!?)" Then to the witch, "You have our word for it, witch. Sir Galahad here will marry you if your answer is correct. Let's get on with it."

"Wat do women really want, King Arth-urea? Wat women really want is that you LET THEM BE."

Since there were was not enough time even for a thanksgiving speech, the galant men rushed to Olaff's realm.

"King Arthur, indeed. Ha ha! You truly are a man of your word!" said the fat and bouncy King Olaff.

"If you only knew."

"So, my friend and colleague, ha ha! What do women really want, eh?"

"What women really want, Olaff my boy? Huh!?! What women REALLY want?!? Is that we LET THEM BE!!! SH*T!!! I SWEAR, THIS AMMONIA--"

"That is correct," said King Olaff, a sudden look of reflection falling on his face.

Everyone shuts up. Then all shout, "HURRAH! HURRAH!" High fives and esoteric handshakes straight from a Snow White movie are exchanged. Everyone, that is, except Galahad.

This sudden realization overtakes King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

"What is it, King Arthur," said the visibly impressed and now worried King Olaff.

"Nothing, Olaff. You're invited, out of courtesy, to a marriage feast in three days. That is, only if you want--"

"Of course I'll be there! Who is it? Galahad? Your only bachelor knight? And who's the lucky lady?"

"Just show up." And with this they all return to Camelot like an army in rout.

Majestic preparations were made. The witch was picked up and escorted to the palace. In three days, Camelot was awash with bling blings and ek eks and colors. Young ladies everywhere were crying.

During the procession, the heartthrob Sir Galahad was in his best shining armor. His fiancee the witch was in her pajamas, her louse-infested hair unkempt, her teeth all black and green, laughing loudly at her own jokes, finger in the nose, nagging, burping on one end, blasting gas on the other.

And Galahad, through all this, acted like the perfect gentleman, showing nothing but affection and honor towards his brand new wife.

As afternoon turned to evening, and as the last party guests bid goodbye (he had been trying to delay their departure for the last eighteen and a half hours), Sir Galahad began to steel himself to encounter his wife in her bedchamber.

Standing before her door, he knocked. No answer. He entered.

The witch had disappeared.In her place was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen! She was dressed in satiny robes, her skin smooth and white, her hair long, black, silky smooth. Galahad just stood there, his face in shock.Then she said, with the sweetest smile, "I was the witch, Sir Galahad. But since you acted so much as a gentleman, treating me with honor and respect, I have decided to show you my true self.

"But there's a catch. I can be like this only in the morning or only in the evening. When do you want me to be like this?"

Galahad the wise, Galahad the intelligent, remembering the most important lesson of the past few days, finally answers, "As you wish, my Lady."

Then there was a terrific explosion. When the smoke and thunder and lightning cleared, the girl from the Close Up-shampoo commercial had disappeared! In her place was a BLONDE babe a hundred times more beautiful than the first, in bluish satin robes, wearing breakable glass slippers.

She said, "Because you are not only a gentleman, but are also very wise, I have decided to be like this...all the time!"

And they lived happily together for the next eight or so years.

The moral of the story?

Your wife or your girlfriend might be evil, bitchy, stinky. But, remember, deep, deep down inside...

She's just a witch.

(I first heard this story some years ago from a friend, Erik Santos. Dunno where he got it. The illustration is from http://www.sbceo.k12.ca.us/~vms/carlton/page17.html.)