I heard this story from a friend the other night.
A man in a commercial flight found himself sitting next to a parrot.
The man asks the stewardess, "Could I have some orange juice please."
The parrot tells the stewardess, "A beer, stupid!"
The stewardess leaves, and returns with beer for the parrot and nothing for the man.
Next, the man asks, "Could I have some wine please."
The parrot says, "Whiskey, stupid!"
The stewardess leaves, and returns with whiskey for the parrot and nothing for the man.
This pattern goes on for some time. At some point the man decides that "Maybe these people need to be insulted before they do anything for you." So, the next time around he tells the stewardess "A beer, stupid!"
The stewardess leaves. She returns with two large gorillas who promptly grab the man and the parrot and throw them out of the plane.
On their way down the parrot tells the man: "Look, buddy, if you don't know how to fly, don't do these things!"
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Now that school's about to start...
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-WarriorPrincess@companyname.com; Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries withthat.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chairdancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10)Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) dontuseanypunctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle soundsall day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26)When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won! Third time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-WarriorPrincess@companyname.com; Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries withthat.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chairdancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10)Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) dontuseanypunctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle soundsall day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26)When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won! Third time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
Anatomy of an autopsy
(This piece was from the Internet. One of those arcane documents that fascinate lovers of anatomy...)
The Routine Autopsy
The Procedure Related in Narrative Form
Ed Uthman, MD (uthman@neosoft.com)
Diplomate, American Board of Pathology
Version 1.004, August, 1996
PURPOSE
The purpose of this paper is to make available to interested individualsan authentic detailed narrative account of a routinepostmortem examination (autopsy) as performed by apathologist on a patient who has died in hospital. I havebased this on my experiences as a practicing pathologist inboth academic and community practice settings in severalU.S. cities. I have deviated from the dispassionate,unbiased language of my profession to present a moresubjective, sensorial view, which I think should be ofgreater benefit to those using this information for thepurposes of entertainment.
BACKGROUND
Most patients who die in the hospital do not undergo autopsy. In recent years, there has been a decreased interest in the autopsy in the medical community. When an autopsy is requested, it is either by the attending physician or the patient's family. The hospital's pathologist performs those cases of the former type for the educational benefit of the medical staff. Cases requested by the family are best left to an independent pathologist hired by the family. Autopsies performed by the hospital pathologist do not result in cost to the patient's estate; rather, the cost is absorbed by the hospital and the pathologist. "Private" autopsies hired by the family generally cost between US$1200 and US$2500.
After the patient is pronounced dead by a physician, the body is wrapped in a sheet or shroud and transported to the morgue, where it is held in a refrigeration unit the autopsy. Autopsies are rarely performed at night, but they are typically performed between 8 am and 4 pm every day, including weekends and holidays. In medium-size and large hospitals, the autopsy is done on the premises in a autopsy suite, which is either within or adjacent to the morgue. Small hospitals that do not have autopsy suites may arrange for autopsies to be done at a larger hospital. Yet other hospitals out in the country can only offer autopsies by having them done at funeral homes. Doing an autopsy at a funeral home is one of the most dreaded things a pathologist has to face, as a funeral home typically is not as well equipped as a hospital autopsy suite.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Immediately before the autopsy, the body is removed from the cooler by a morgue attendant who will help with the autopsy. This individual is called a DIENER (DEE-ner), which is German for "servant." Most dieners do not realize the derivation of this word and would probably object to being called "diener" if they did. Dieners are not formally trained, but many have some background of employment in the funeral industry. For some reason, in the southern U.S. anyway, about ninety per cent of dieners (my estimate) are African-American. I would estimate that less than ten percent of dieners are female. Dieners tend to work at their job for decades. I think this is because 1) management types don't know what goes on in the morgue, and would not care to mess around with its staffing come belt-tightening time, and 2) dieners are pretty much left alone by management and enjoy a much greater degree of autonomy than most workers at their pay grade and level of education. My own impression of the "diener personality" is that they are somewhat secretive and cliquish, and one gets the idea that they have a lot more going on in their lives than they tend to let on. It is not uncommon for them to receive a variety of strange visitors in the morgue, some of whom have a less than savory appearance. For fiction writers, I think there is a lot of character development potential for dieners.
There has been a general belief that some dieners also take payment under the table for notifying funeral homes of deaths in the hospital (so that the funeral home can send an agent out to approach the family), but I am not aware of any cases where this allegation was proved. From my own experiences, I know that in some cities the funeral home business is extraordinarily competitive, and I am aware of one case where agents of two funeral homes got into a physical altercation in the morgue over the disposition of a body that each claimed.
The other individual directly involved in the autopsy is the PROSECTOR. This is the individual who is in charge of the actual dissection. In small hospitals, the prosector is a Board-certified pathologist, an MD or DO (osteopath) who has undergone a four- or five-year residency in the specialty of pathology, specifically anatomic pathology. In university-based hospitals with teaching programs, the prosector is a pathology resident (a physician who is training to be a pathologist) or a medical student taking an elective rotation in pathology. In larger non-university-based hospitals covered by large pathology groups, the prosector may be a pathologist's assistant. The "PA" is typically a graduate of an associate or baccalaureate program which provides training in several areas of pathology, especially those that involve "hands-on" activities, such as autopsy dissections, dissections of specimens removed at surgery, specimen photography, and video applications. PA's enjoy excellent pay and benefits (US$40,000 to start) in their little-known area, and the demand for PA's continues to exceed supply.
Other individuals may be present at the autopsy, usually for educational opportunities. These may include the attending or consulting physicians, residents, medical students, nurses, respiratory therapists, and others involved in direct patient care.
The prosector and diener wear fairly simple protective equipment, including scrub suits, gowns, gloves (typically two pair), shoe covers, and clear plastic face shields. Some facilities have sealed-environment "space suits," but I think one is more likely to infect himself as a result of the clumsiness lent by these suits than if he were dressed more lightly in the interest of nimbleness.
THE EXTERNAL EXAMINATION
The body is taken from the cooler by the diener and is placed on the autopsy table. Experienced dieners, even those of slight build, can transfer even obese bodies from the carriage to the table without assistance. Since the comfort of the patient is no longer a consideration, this transfer is accomplished with what appears to the uninitiated a rather brutal combination of pulls and shoves, not unlike the way a thug might manhandle a mugging victim.
The body is then measured. Large facilities may have total-body scales, so that a weight can be obtained. The autopsy table is a waist-high aluminum fixture that is plumbed for running water and has several faucets and spigots to facilitate washing away all the blood that is released during the procedure. Older hospitals may still have porcelain or even marble tables. The autopsy table is basically a slanted tray (for drainage) with raised edges (to keep blood and fluids from flowing onto the floor). After the body is positioned, the diener places a "bodyblock" under the patient's back. This rubber or plasticbrick-like appliance causes the chest to protrude outward and the arms and neck to fall back, thus allowing the maximum exposure of the trunk for the incisions. The prosector checks to make sure that the body is that of the patient named on the permit by checking the toe tag or patient wristband ID. Abnormalities of the external body surfaces are then noted and described, either by talking into a voice recorder or making notes on a diagram and/or checklist.
OPENING THE TRUNK
The diener takes a large scalpel and makes the incision in the trunk. This is a Y-shaped incision. The arms of the Y extend from the front of each shoulder to the bottom end of the breast bone (called the xiphoid process of the sternum). In women, these incisions are diverted beneath the breasts, so the "Y" has curved, rather than straight, arms. The tail of the Y extends from the xiphoid process to the pubic bone and typically makes a slight deviation to avoid the umbilicus (navel). The incision is very deep, extending to the rib cage on the chest, and completely through the abdominal wall below that.
With the Y incision made, the next task is to peel the skin, muscle, and soft tissues off the chest wall. This is done with a scalpel. When complete, the chest flap is pulled upward over the patient's face, and the front of the ribcage and the strap muscles of the front of the neck lie exposed. Human muscle smells not unlike raw lamb meat in my opinion. At this point of the autopsy, the smells are otherwise very faint.
An electric saw or bone cutter (which looks a lot like curved pruning shears) is used to open the rib cage. One cut is made up each side of the front of the rib cage, so that the chest plate, consisting of the sternum and the ribs which connect to it, are no longer attached to the rest of the skeleton. The chest plate is pulled back and peeled off with a little help of the scalpel, which is used to dissect the adherent soft tissues stuck to the back of the chestplate. After the chest plate has been removed, the organs of the chest (heart and lungs) are exposed (the heart is actually covered by the pericardial sac).
Before disturbing the organs further, the prosector cuts open the pericardial sac, then the pulmonary artery where it exits the heart. He sticks his finger into the hole in the pulmonary artery and feels around for any thromboembolus (a blood clot which has dislodged from a vein elsewhere in the body, traveled through the heart to the pulmonary artery, lodged there, and caused sudden death. This is a common cause of death in hospitalized patients).
The abdomen is further opened by dissecting the abdominal muscle away from the bottom of the rib cage and diaphragm.The flaps of abdominal wall fall off to either side, and the abdominal organs are now exposed.
REMOVING THE ORGANS OF THE TRUNK
The most typical method of organ removal is called the"Rokitansky method." This is not unlike field dressing a deer. The dissection begins at the neck and proceeds downward, so that eventually all the organs of the trunk are removed from the body in one bloc. The first thing the diener does is to identify the carotid and subclavian arteries in the neck and upper chest. He ties a long string to each and then cuts them off, so that the ties are left in the body. This allows the mortician to more easily find the arteries for injection of the embalming fluids.
A cut is then made above the larynx, detaching the larynx and esophagus from the pharynx. The larynx and trachea are then pulled downward, and the scalpel is used to free up the remainder of the chest organs from their attachment at the spine. The diaphragm is cut away from the body wall, and the abdominal organs are pulled out and down. Finally, all of the organs are attached to the body only by the pelvic ligaments, bladder, and rectum. A single slash with the scalpel divides this connection, and all of the organs are now free in one block. The diener hands this organ bloc to the prosector. The prosector takes the organ bloc to a dissecting table (which is often mounted over the patient's legs) and dissects it. Meanwhile, the diener proceeds to remove the brain.
REMOVING THE BRAIN
The diener takes the body block out from under the patient's back and places it under the back of the head. This elevates the head so that it is positioned as if it were on a very thick, stiff pillow. The diener uses a scalpel to cut from behind one ear, over the crown of the head, to behind the other ear. Like with the trunk incisions, this one is deep, all the way to the skull. The skin and soft tissues are now divided into a front flap and a rear flap. The front flap is pulled (this takes some strength) forward (like being"scalped") over the patient's face, thus exposing the top and front of the skull. The back flap is pulled backwards over the nape of the neck. The whole top hemisphere of the skull is now exposed.
The diener takes an electric saw (typically called a"Stryker saw," even if it's not manufactured by Stryker) and makes cuts around the equator of the cranium. This cut must be deep enough to cut all the way through the skull, but not so deep that the brain is cut (this takes some skill). Typically, the cut is not totally straight but has a notch so that the skull top (calvarium) will not slide off the bottom half of the skull after everything is sewn back up. After this cut, the calvarium is removed and set aside. As the calvarium is lifted off, there is a very characteristic sound that is sort of a combination of a sucking sound and the sound of rubbing two halves of a coconut together. The best recorded representation of this sound that I have heard is in the brain transplant scene of the film Robocop 2.
The outer layer of the meninges (the coverings of the brain), called the dura, stays with the calvarium, so that the top of the brain is now fully exposed. After the chore of getting to it, it is a relatively easy matter to get the brain out. There are no tough ligaments that hold the brain in, so really all that needs to be done is to cut the spinalcord and the dural reflections that go between the cerebellum and cerebrum (called the tentorium). The brain is then easily lifted out.
Since the brain is very soft and easily deformable, it is not manipulated at the time of the autopsy. Instead it is hung up by string in a large jar of formalin (a 10% solution of formaldehyde gas in buffered water) for two weeks or longer. The action of formaldehyde is to "fix" the tissue, not only preserving it from decay, but also causing it tob ecome much firmer and easier to handle without deforming it. The reason that it is suspended by string is to prevent it from having a flattened side from lying in the bottom ofthe jar (the brain is heavier than water and therefore sinks).
EXAMINATION OF THE ORGANS OF THE TRUNK
At the dissection table, the prosector typically dissects and isolates the esophagus from the rest of the chest organs. This is usually done simply by pulling it away without help of a blade (a technique called "blunt dissection"). The chest organs are then cut away from the abdominal organs and esophagus with scissors. The lungs are cut away from the heart and trachea and weighed, then sliced like loaves of bread into slices about one centimeter thick. A long (12" - 18"), sharp knife, called a "bread knife" is used for this.
The heart is weighed and opened along the pathway of normal blood flow using the bread knife or scissors. Old-time pathologists look down on prosectors who open the heart with scissors, rather than the bread knife, because, while the latter takes more skill and care, it is much faster and gives more attractive cut edges than when scissors are used.The coronary arteries are examined by making numerous crosscuts with a scalpel.
The larynx and trachea are opened longitudinally from the rear and the interior examined. The thyroid gland is dissected away from the trachea with scissors, weighed, and examined in thin slices. Sometimes the parathyroid glands are easy to find, other times impossible.
The bloc containing the abdominal organs is turned over so that the back side is up. The adrenal glands are located in the fatty tissue over the kidneys (they are sometimes difficult to find) and are removed, weighed, sliced, and examined by the prosector.
The liver is removed with scissors from the rest of the abdominal organs, weighed, sliced with a bread knife, and examined. The spleen is similarly treated.
The intestines are stripped from the mesentery using scissors (the wimpy method) or bread knife (macho method). The intestines are then opened over a sink under running water, so that all the feces and undigested food flow out. As one might imagine, this step is extremely malodorous. The resultant material in the sink smells like a pleasant combination of feces and vomitus. The internal (mucosal) surface of the bowel is washed off with water and examined. It is generally the diener's job to "run the gut," but usually a crusty, senior diener can intimidate a young first-year resident prosector into doing this ever-hated chore. Basically, whichever individual has the least effective steely glare of disdain is stuck with running the gut.
The stomach is then opened along its greater curvature. If the prosector is lucky, the patient will have not eaten solid food in a while. If not, the appearance of the contents of the stomach will assure the prosector that he will not be eating any stews or soups for a long time. In either case, the smell of gastric acid is unforgettable.
The pancreas is removed from the duodenum, weighed, sliced and examined. The duodenum is opened longitudinally, washed out, and examined internally. The esophagus is similarly treated.
The kidneys are removed, weighed, cut lengthwise in half, and examined. The urinary bladder is opened and examined internally. In the female patient, the ovaries are removed, cut in half, and examined. The uterus is opened along eitherside (bivalved) and examined. In the male, the testes are typically not removed if they are not enlarged. If it is necessary to remove them, they can be pulled up into theabdomen by traction on the spermatic cord, cut off, cut in half, and examined.
The aorta and its major abdominal/pelvic branches (the renal, celiac, mesenteric, and iliac arteries) are opened longitudinally and examined.
Most of the organs mentioned above are sampled for microscopic examination. Sections of the organs are cut with a bread knife or scalpel and placed in labeled plastic cassettes. Each section is the size of a postage stamp or smaller and optimally about three millimeters in thickness. The cassettes are placed in a small jar of formalin for fixation. They are then "processed" in a machine that overnight removes all the water from the specimens and replaces it with paraffin wax. Permanent microscopic sections (five microns, or one two-hundredth of a millimeter thick) can be cut from these paraffin sections, mounted on glass slides, stained, cover slipped, and examined microscopically. The permanent slides are usually kept indefinitely, but must be kept for twenty years minimum.
Additional small slices of the major organs are kept in a "save jar," typically a one-quart or one-pint jar filled with formalin. Labs keep the save jar for a variable length of time, but at least until the case is "signed out" (i.e.,the final written report is prepared). Some labs keep the save jar for years. All tissues that are disposed of are done so by incineration.
A note on dissection technique: All of the above procedures are done with only four simple instruments -- a scalpel, the bread knife, scissors, and forceps (which most medical people call "pick-ups." Only scriptwriters say "forceps"). The more handy the prosector, the more he relies on the bread knife, sometimes making amazingly delicate cuts with this long, unwieldy-looking blade. The best prosectors are able to make every cut with one long slicing action. To sawback and forth with the blade leaves irregularities on the cut surface which are often distracting on specimen photographs. So the idea is to use an extremely sharp, longblade that can get through a 2000-gram liver in one graceful slice. Some old-time purist pathologists actually maintain their own bread knives themselves and let no one else use them. Such an individual typically carries it around in his briefcase in a leather sheath. This would make an excellent fiction device, which, to my knowledge, has not been used. Imagine a milquetoast pathologist defending himself from a late-night attacker in the lab, with one desperate but skillful slash of the bread knife almost cutting the assailant in half!
Note on the appearance of the autopsy suite: Toward the end of the autopsy procedure, the room is not a pretty sight. Prosectors vary markedly in how neat they keep the dissection area while doing the procedure. It is legendary that old-time pathologists were so neat that they'd perform the entire procedure in a tux (no apron) right before an evening at the opera (pathologists are noted for their love of classical music and fine art). Modern prosectors are not this neat. Usually, the autopsy table around the patient is covered with blood, and it is very difficult not to get some blood on the floor. We try to keep blood on the floor to a minimum, because this is a slippery substance that can lead to falls. The hanging meat scales used to weigh the organs are usually covered with or dripping with blood. The chalk that is used to write organ weights on the chalkboard is also smeared with blood, as may be the chalkboard itself. This is an especially unappetizing juxtaposition.
CLOSING UP AND RELEASING THE BODY
After all the above procedures are performed, the body is now an empty shell, with no larynx, chest organs, abdominal organs, pelvic organs, or brain. The front of the rib cage is also missing. The scalp is pulled down over the face, and the whole top of the head is gone. Obviously, this is not optimal for lying in state in public view. The diener remedies this problem. First, the calvarium is placed back on the skull (the brain is not replaced), the scalp pulled back over the calvarium, and the wound sewn up with thick twine using the type of stitch used to cover baseballs. The wound is now a line that goes from behind the ears over theback of the skull, so that when the head rests on a pillow in the casket, the wound is not visible.
The empty trunk looks like the hull of a ship underconstruction, the prominent ribs resembling the corresponding structural members of the ship. In many institutions, the sliced organs are just poured back into the open body cavity. In other places, the organs are not replaced but just incinerated at the facility. In either case, the chest plate is placed back in the chest, and the body wall is sewn back up with baseball stitches, so that the final wound again resembles a "Y."
The diener rinses the body off with a hose and sponge, covers it with a sheet, and calls the funeral home for pick-up. As one might imagine, if the organs had not been putback in the body, the whole trunk appears collapsed, especially the chest (since the chest plate was not firmly reattached to the ribs). The mortician must then remedy this by placing filler in the body cavity to re-expand the body to roughly normal contours.
Ultimately, what is buried/cremated is either 1) the bodywithout a brain and without any chest, abdominal, or pelvicorgans, or 2) the body without a brain but with a hodgepodge of other organ parts in the body cavity.
FINISHING UP
After the funeral home has been called, the diener cleans up the autopsy suite with a mop and bucket, and the prosector finishes up the notes and/or dictation concerning the findings of the "gross exam" (the part of the examination done with the naked eye and not the microscope; this use of the term "gross" is not a value judgement but a direct German translation of "big" as opposed to "microscopic"). For some odd reason, many prosectors report increased appetite after an autopsy, so the first thing they want to do afterwards is grab a bite to eat. The whole procedure in experienced hands, assuming a fairly straightforward case and no interruptions, has taken about two hours. Complicated cases requiring detailed explorations and special dissections (e.g., exploring the bile ducts, removing the eyes or spinal cord) may take up to four hours.
AFTER THE AUTOPSY
Days to weeks later, the processed microscopic slides are examined by the attending pathologist, who renders the final diagnoses and dictates the report. Only the pathologist can formally issue the report, even if he or she was not the prosector (i.e., the prosector was a resident, PA, or medstudent). The report is of variable length but almost always runs at least three pages. It may be illustrated with diagrams that the prosector draws from scratch or fills in on standard forms with anatomical drawings. The Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO, commonly called "The Joint"), which certifies hospitals, requires the final report to be issued within sixty days of the actual autopsy. The College of American Pathologists, which certifies medical laboratories, requires that this be done in thirty days. Nevertheless, pathologists are notorious for tardiness in getting the final report out, sometimes resulting in delays of years. Perhaps the non-compensated nature of autopsy practice has something to do with this. Pathologists are otherwise very sensitive to turnaround times.
THE BRAIN-CUTTING
Remember the brain? We left it suspended in a big jar of formalin for a few weeks. After the brain is "fixed," it has the consistency and firmness of a ripe avocado. Before fixation, the consistency is not unlike that of three-day-old refrigerated, uncovered Jello. Infant brains can be much softer than that before fixation, even as soft as a flandessert warmed to room temperature, or worse, custard piefilling. Such a brain may be difficult or impossible to hold together and can fall apart as one attempts to remove it from the cranium.
Assuming good fixation of an adult brain, it is removed from the formalin and rinsed in a running tap water bath for several hours to try to cut down on the discomforting, eye-irritating, possibly carcinogenic formalin vapors. The cerebrum is severed from the rest of the brain (brainstem and cerebellum) by the prosector with a scalpel. The cerebellum is severed from the brainstem, and each is sliced and laid out on a tray for examination. The cerebrum is sliced perpendicularly to its long axis and laid out to be examined. Sections for microscopic processing are taken, as from the other organs, and a few slices are held in "save jars." The remainder of the brain slices is incinerated.
Please send any constructive comments concerning this FAQ toEd Uthman, MD.
Copyright (c) 1994-96, Edward O. Uthman. Thismaterial may be reformatted and/or freely distributed via online services or other media, as long as it is not substantively altered. Authors, educators, and others are welcome to use any ideas presented herein, but I would ask for acknowledgement in any published work derived therefrom.
The Routine Autopsy
The Procedure Related in Narrative Form
Ed Uthman, MD (uthman@neosoft.com)
Diplomate, American Board of Pathology
Version 1.004, August, 1996
PURPOSE
The purpose of this paper is to make available to interested individualsan authentic detailed narrative account of a routinepostmortem examination (autopsy) as performed by apathologist on a patient who has died in hospital. I havebased this on my experiences as a practicing pathologist inboth academic and community practice settings in severalU.S. cities. I have deviated from the dispassionate,unbiased language of my profession to present a moresubjective, sensorial view, which I think should be ofgreater benefit to those using this information for thepurposes of entertainment.
BACKGROUND
Most patients who die in the hospital do not undergo autopsy. In recent years, there has been a decreased interest in the autopsy in the medical community. When an autopsy is requested, it is either by the attending physician or the patient's family. The hospital's pathologist performs those cases of the former type for the educational benefit of the medical staff. Cases requested by the family are best left to an independent pathologist hired by the family. Autopsies performed by the hospital pathologist do not result in cost to the patient's estate; rather, the cost is absorbed by the hospital and the pathologist. "Private" autopsies hired by the family generally cost between US$1200 and US$2500.
After the patient is pronounced dead by a physician, the body is wrapped in a sheet or shroud and transported to the morgue, where it is held in a refrigeration unit the autopsy. Autopsies are rarely performed at night, but they are typically performed between 8 am and 4 pm every day, including weekends and holidays. In medium-size and large hospitals, the autopsy is done on the premises in a autopsy suite, which is either within or adjacent to the morgue. Small hospitals that do not have autopsy suites may arrange for autopsies to be done at a larger hospital. Yet other hospitals out in the country can only offer autopsies by having them done at funeral homes. Doing an autopsy at a funeral home is one of the most dreaded things a pathologist has to face, as a funeral home typically is not as well equipped as a hospital autopsy suite.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Immediately before the autopsy, the body is removed from the cooler by a morgue attendant who will help with the autopsy. This individual is called a DIENER (DEE-ner), which is German for "servant." Most dieners do not realize the derivation of this word and would probably object to being called "diener" if they did. Dieners are not formally trained, but many have some background of employment in the funeral industry. For some reason, in the southern U.S. anyway, about ninety per cent of dieners (my estimate) are African-American. I would estimate that less than ten percent of dieners are female. Dieners tend to work at their job for decades. I think this is because 1) management types don't know what goes on in the morgue, and would not care to mess around with its staffing come belt-tightening time, and 2) dieners are pretty much left alone by management and enjoy a much greater degree of autonomy than most workers at their pay grade and level of education. My own impression of the "diener personality" is that they are somewhat secretive and cliquish, and one gets the idea that they have a lot more going on in their lives than they tend to let on. It is not uncommon for them to receive a variety of strange visitors in the morgue, some of whom have a less than savory appearance. For fiction writers, I think there is a lot of character development potential for dieners.
There has been a general belief that some dieners also take payment under the table for notifying funeral homes of deaths in the hospital (so that the funeral home can send an agent out to approach the family), but I am not aware of any cases where this allegation was proved. From my own experiences, I know that in some cities the funeral home business is extraordinarily competitive, and I am aware of one case where agents of two funeral homes got into a physical altercation in the morgue over the disposition of a body that each claimed.
The other individual directly involved in the autopsy is the PROSECTOR. This is the individual who is in charge of the actual dissection. In small hospitals, the prosector is a Board-certified pathologist, an MD or DO (osteopath) who has undergone a four- or five-year residency in the specialty of pathology, specifically anatomic pathology. In university-based hospitals with teaching programs, the prosector is a pathology resident (a physician who is training to be a pathologist) or a medical student taking an elective rotation in pathology. In larger non-university-based hospitals covered by large pathology groups, the prosector may be a pathologist's assistant. The "PA" is typically a graduate of an associate or baccalaureate program which provides training in several areas of pathology, especially those that involve "hands-on" activities, such as autopsy dissections, dissections of specimens removed at surgery, specimen photography, and video applications. PA's enjoy excellent pay and benefits (US$40,000 to start) in their little-known area, and the demand for PA's continues to exceed supply.
Other individuals may be present at the autopsy, usually for educational opportunities. These may include the attending or consulting physicians, residents, medical students, nurses, respiratory therapists, and others involved in direct patient care.
The prosector and diener wear fairly simple protective equipment, including scrub suits, gowns, gloves (typically two pair), shoe covers, and clear plastic face shields. Some facilities have sealed-environment "space suits," but I think one is more likely to infect himself as a result of the clumsiness lent by these suits than if he were dressed more lightly in the interest of nimbleness.
THE EXTERNAL EXAMINATION
The body is taken from the cooler by the diener and is placed on the autopsy table. Experienced dieners, even those of slight build, can transfer even obese bodies from the carriage to the table without assistance. Since the comfort of the patient is no longer a consideration, this transfer is accomplished with what appears to the uninitiated a rather brutal combination of pulls and shoves, not unlike the way a thug might manhandle a mugging victim.
The body is then measured. Large facilities may have total-body scales, so that a weight can be obtained. The autopsy table is a waist-high aluminum fixture that is plumbed for running water and has several faucets and spigots to facilitate washing away all the blood that is released during the procedure. Older hospitals may still have porcelain or even marble tables. The autopsy table is basically a slanted tray (for drainage) with raised edges (to keep blood and fluids from flowing onto the floor). After the body is positioned, the diener places a "bodyblock" under the patient's back. This rubber or plasticbrick-like appliance causes the chest to protrude outward and the arms and neck to fall back, thus allowing the maximum exposure of the trunk for the incisions. The prosector checks to make sure that the body is that of the patient named on the permit by checking the toe tag or patient wristband ID. Abnormalities of the external body surfaces are then noted and described, either by talking into a voice recorder or making notes on a diagram and/or checklist.
OPENING THE TRUNK
The diener takes a large scalpel and makes the incision in the trunk. This is a Y-shaped incision. The arms of the Y extend from the front of each shoulder to the bottom end of the breast bone (called the xiphoid process of the sternum). In women, these incisions are diverted beneath the breasts, so the "Y" has curved, rather than straight, arms. The tail of the Y extends from the xiphoid process to the pubic bone and typically makes a slight deviation to avoid the umbilicus (navel). The incision is very deep, extending to the rib cage on the chest, and completely through the abdominal wall below that.
With the Y incision made, the next task is to peel the skin, muscle, and soft tissues off the chest wall. This is done with a scalpel. When complete, the chest flap is pulled upward over the patient's face, and the front of the ribcage and the strap muscles of the front of the neck lie exposed. Human muscle smells not unlike raw lamb meat in my opinion. At this point of the autopsy, the smells are otherwise very faint.
An electric saw or bone cutter (which looks a lot like curved pruning shears) is used to open the rib cage. One cut is made up each side of the front of the rib cage, so that the chest plate, consisting of the sternum and the ribs which connect to it, are no longer attached to the rest of the skeleton. The chest plate is pulled back and peeled off with a little help of the scalpel, which is used to dissect the adherent soft tissues stuck to the back of the chestplate. After the chest plate has been removed, the organs of the chest (heart and lungs) are exposed (the heart is actually covered by the pericardial sac).
Before disturbing the organs further, the prosector cuts open the pericardial sac, then the pulmonary artery where it exits the heart. He sticks his finger into the hole in the pulmonary artery and feels around for any thromboembolus (a blood clot which has dislodged from a vein elsewhere in the body, traveled through the heart to the pulmonary artery, lodged there, and caused sudden death. This is a common cause of death in hospitalized patients).
The abdomen is further opened by dissecting the abdominal muscle away from the bottom of the rib cage and diaphragm.The flaps of abdominal wall fall off to either side, and the abdominal organs are now exposed.
REMOVING THE ORGANS OF THE TRUNK
The most typical method of organ removal is called the"Rokitansky method." This is not unlike field dressing a deer. The dissection begins at the neck and proceeds downward, so that eventually all the organs of the trunk are removed from the body in one bloc. The first thing the diener does is to identify the carotid and subclavian arteries in the neck and upper chest. He ties a long string to each and then cuts them off, so that the ties are left in the body. This allows the mortician to more easily find the arteries for injection of the embalming fluids.
A cut is then made above the larynx, detaching the larynx and esophagus from the pharynx. The larynx and trachea are then pulled downward, and the scalpel is used to free up the remainder of the chest organs from their attachment at the spine. The diaphragm is cut away from the body wall, and the abdominal organs are pulled out and down. Finally, all of the organs are attached to the body only by the pelvic ligaments, bladder, and rectum. A single slash with the scalpel divides this connection, and all of the organs are now free in one block. The diener hands this organ bloc to the prosector. The prosector takes the organ bloc to a dissecting table (which is often mounted over the patient's legs) and dissects it. Meanwhile, the diener proceeds to remove the brain.
REMOVING THE BRAIN
The diener takes the body block out from under the patient's back and places it under the back of the head. This elevates the head so that it is positioned as if it were on a very thick, stiff pillow. The diener uses a scalpel to cut from behind one ear, over the crown of the head, to behind the other ear. Like with the trunk incisions, this one is deep, all the way to the skull. The skin and soft tissues are now divided into a front flap and a rear flap. The front flap is pulled (this takes some strength) forward (like being"scalped") over the patient's face, thus exposing the top and front of the skull. The back flap is pulled backwards over the nape of the neck. The whole top hemisphere of the skull is now exposed.
The diener takes an electric saw (typically called a"Stryker saw," even if it's not manufactured by Stryker) and makes cuts around the equator of the cranium. This cut must be deep enough to cut all the way through the skull, but not so deep that the brain is cut (this takes some skill). Typically, the cut is not totally straight but has a notch so that the skull top (calvarium) will not slide off the bottom half of the skull after everything is sewn back up. After this cut, the calvarium is removed and set aside. As the calvarium is lifted off, there is a very characteristic sound that is sort of a combination of a sucking sound and the sound of rubbing two halves of a coconut together. The best recorded representation of this sound that I have heard is in the brain transplant scene of the film Robocop 2.
The outer layer of the meninges (the coverings of the brain), called the dura, stays with the calvarium, so that the top of the brain is now fully exposed. After the chore of getting to it, it is a relatively easy matter to get the brain out. There are no tough ligaments that hold the brain in, so really all that needs to be done is to cut the spinalcord and the dural reflections that go between the cerebellum and cerebrum (called the tentorium). The brain is then easily lifted out.
Since the brain is very soft and easily deformable, it is not manipulated at the time of the autopsy. Instead it is hung up by string in a large jar of formalin (a 10% solution of formaldehyde gas in buffered water) for two weeks or longer. The action of formaldehyde is to "fix" the tissue, not only preserving it from decay, but also causing it tob ecome much firmer and easier to handle without deforming it. The reason that it is suspended by string is to prevent it from having a flattened side from lying in the bottom ofthe jar (the brain is heavier than water and therefore sinks).
EXAMINATION OF THE ORGANS OF THE TRUNK
At the dissection table, the prosector typically dissects and isolates the esophagus from the rest of the chest organs. This is usually done simply by pulling it away without help of a blade (a technique called "blunt dissection"). The chest organs are then cut away from the abdominal organs and esophagus with scissors. The lungs are cut away from the heart and trachea and weighed, then sliced like loaves of bread into slices about one centimeter thick. A long (12" - 18"), sharp knife, called a "bread knife" is used for this.
The heart is weighed and opened along the pathway of normal blood flow using the bread knife or scissors. Old-time pathologists look down on prosectors who open the heart with scissors, rather than the bread knife, because, while the latter takes more skill and care, it is much faster and gives more attractive cut edges than when scissors are used.The coronary arteries are examined by making numerous crosscuts with a scalpel.
The larynx and trachea are opened longitudinally from the rear and the interior examined. The thyroid gland is dissected away from the trachea with scissors, weighed, and examined in thin slices. Sometimes the parathyroid glands are easy to find, other times impossible.
The bloc containing the abdominal organs is turned over so that the back side is up. The adrenal glands are located in the fatty tissue over the kidneys (they are sometimes difficult to find) and are removed, weighed, sliced, and examined by the prosector.
The liver is removed with scissors from the rest of the abdominal organs, weighed, sliced with a bread knife, and examined. The spleen is similarly treated.
The intestines are stripped from the mesentery using scissors (the wimpy method) or bread knife (macho method). The intestines are then opened over a sink under running water, so that all the feces and undigested food flow out. As one might imagine, this step is extremely malodorous. The resultant material in the sink smells like a pleasant combination of feces and vomitus. The internal (mucosal) surface of the bowel is washed off with water and examined. It is generally the diener's job to "run the gut," but usually a crusty, senior diener can intimidate a young first-year resident prosector into doing this ever-hated chore. Basically, whichever individual has the least effective steely glare of disdain is stuck with running the gut.
The stomach is then opened along its greater curvature. If the prosector is lucky, the patient will have not eaten solid food in a while. If not, the appearance of the contents of the stomach will assure the prosector that he will not be eating any stews or soups for a long time. In either case, the smell of gastric acid is unforgettable.
The pancreas is removed from the duodenum, weighed, sliced and examined. The duodenum is opened longitudinally, washed out, and examined internally. The esophagus is similarly treated.
The kidneys are removed, weighed, cut lengthwise in half, and examined. The urinary bladder is opened and examined internally. In the female patient, the ovaries are removed, cut in half, and examined. The uterus is opened along eitherside (bivalved) and examined. In the male, the testes are typically not removed if they are not enlarged. If it is necessary to remove them, they can be pulled up into theabdomen by traction on the spermatic cord, cut off, cut in half, and examined.
The aorta and its major abdominal/pelvic branches (the renal, celiac, mesenteric, and iliac arteries) are opened longitudinally and examined.
Most of the organs mentioned above are sampled for microscopic examination. Sections of the organs are cut with a bread knife or scalpel and placed in labeled plastic cassettes. Each section is the size of a postage stamp or smaller and optimally about three millimeters in thickness. The cassettes are placed in a small jar of formalin for fixation. They are then "processed" in a machine that overnight removes all the water from the specimens and replaces it with paraffin wax. Permanent microscopic sections (five microns, or one two-hundredth of a millimeter thick) can be cut from these paraffin sections, mounted on glass slides, stained, cover slipped, and examined microscopically. The permanent slides are usually kept indefinitely, but must be kept for twenty years minimum.
Additional small slices of the major organs are kept in a "save jar," typically a one-quart or one-pint jar filled with formalin. Labs keep the save jar for a variable length of time, but at least until the case is "signed out" (i.e.,the final written report is prepared). Some labs keep the save jar for years. All tissues that are disposed of are done so by incineration.
A note on dissection technique: All of the above procedures are done with only four simple instruments -- a scalpel, the bread knife, scissors, and forceps (which most medical people call "pick-ups." Only scriptwriters say "forceps"). The more handy the prosector, the more he relies on the bread knife, sometimes making amazingly delicate cuts with this long, unwieldy-looking blade. The best prosectors are able to make every cut with one long slicing action. To sawback and forth with the blade leaves irregularities on the cut surface which are often distracting on specimen photographs. So the idea is to use an extremely sharp, longblade that can get through a 2000-gram liver in one graceful slice. Some old-time purist pathologists actually maintain their own bread knives themselves and let no one else use them. Such an individual typically carries it around in his briefcase in a leather sheath. This would make an excellent fiction device, which, to my knowledge, has not been used. Imagine a milquetoast pathologist defending himself from a late-night attacker in the lab, with one desperate but skillful slash of the bread knife almost cutting the assailant in half!
Note on the appearance of the autopsy suite: Toward the end of the autopsy procedure, the room is not a pretty sight. Prosectors vary markedly in how neat they keep the dissection area while doing the procedure. It is legendary that old-time pathologists were so neat that they'd perform the entire procedure in a tux (no apron) right before an evening at the opera (pathologists are noted for their love of classical music and fine art). Modern prosectors are not this neat. Usually, the autopsy table around the patient is covered with blood, and it is very difficult not to get some blood on the floor. We try to keep blood on the floor to a minimum, because this is a slippery substance that can lead to falls. The hanging meat scales used to weigh the organs are usually covered with or dripping with blood. The chalk that is used to write organ weights on the chalkboard is also smeared with blood, as may be the chalkboard itself. This is an especially unappetizing juxtaposition.
CLOSING UP AND RELEASING THE BODY
After all the above procedures are performed, the body is now an empty shell, with no larynx, chest organs, abdominal organs, pelvic organs, or brain. The front of the rib cage is also missing. The scalp is pulled down over the face, and the whole top of the head is gone. Obviously, this is not optimal for lying in state in public view. The diener remedies this problem. First, the calvarium is placed back on the skull (the brain is not replaced), the scalp pulled back over the calvarium, and the wound sewn up with thick twine using the type of stitch used to cover baseballs. The wound is now a line that goes from behind the ears over theback of the skull, so that when the head rests on a pillow in the casket, the wound is not visible.
The empty trunk looks like the hull of a ship underconstruction, the prominent ribs resembling the corresponding structural members of the ship. In many institutions, the sliced organs are just poured back into the open body cavity. In other places, the organs are not replaced but just incinerated at the facility. In either case, the chest plate is placed back in the chest, and the body wall is sewn back up with baseball stitches, so that the final wound again resembles a "Y."
The diener rinses the body off with a hose and sponge, covers it with a sheet, and calls the funeral home for pick-up. As one might imagine, if the organs had not been putback in the body, the whole trunk appears collapsed, especially the chest (since the chest plate was not firmly reattached to the ribs). The mortician must then remedy this by placing filler in the body cavity to re-expand the body to roughly normal contours.
Ultimately, what is buried/cremated is either 1) the bodywithout a brain and without any chest, abdominal, or pelvicorgans, or 2) the body without a brain but with a hodgepodge of other organ parts in the body cavity.
FINISHING UP
After the funeral home has been called, the diener cleans up the autopsy suite with a mop and bucket, and the prosector finishes up the notes and/or dictation concerning the findings of the "gross exam" (the part of the examination done with the naked eye and not the microscope; this use of the term "gross" is not a value judgement but a direct German translation of "big" as opposed to "microscopic"). For some odd reason, many prosectors report increased appetite after an autopsy, so the first thing they want to do afterwards is grab a bite to eat. The whole procedure in experienced hands, assuming a fairly straightforward case and no interruptions, has taken about two hours. Complicated cases requiring detailed explorations and special dissections (e.g., exploring the bile ducts, removing the eyes or spinal cord) may take up to four hours.
AFTER THE AUTOPSY
Days to weeks later, the processed microscopic slides are examined by the attending pathologist, who renders the final diagnoses and dictates the report. Only the pathologist can formally issue the report, even if he or she was not the prosector (i.e., the prosector was a resident, PA, or medstudent). The report is of variable length but almost always runs at least three pages. It may be illustrated with diagrams that the prosector draws from scratch or fills in on standard forms with anatomical drawings. The Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO, commonly called "The Joint"), which certifies hospitals, requires the final report to be issued within sixty days of the actual autopsy. The College of American Pathologists, which certifies medical laboratories, requires that this be done in thirty days. Nevertheless, pathologists are notorious for tardiness in getting the final report out, sometimes resulting in delays of years. Perhaps the non-compensated nature of autopsy practice has something to do with this. Pathologists are otherwise very sensitive to turnaround times.
THE BRAIN-CUTTING
Remember the brain? We left it suspended in a big jar of formalin for a few weeks. After the brain is "fixed," it has the consistency and firmness of a ripe avocado. Before fixation, the consistency is not unlike that of three-day-old refrigerated, uncovered Jello. Infant brains can be much softer than that before fixation, even as soft as a flandessert warmed to room temperature, or worse, custard piefilling. Such a brain may be difficult or impossible to hold together and can fall apart as one attempts to remove it from the cranium.
Assuming good fixation of an adult brain, it is removed from the formalin and rinsed in a running tap water bath for several hours to try to cut down on the discomforting, eye-irritating, possibly carcinogenic formalin vapors. The cerebrum is severed from the rest of the brain (brainstem and cerebellum) by the prosector with a scalpel. The cerebellum is severed from the brainstem, and each is sliced and laid out on a tray for examination. The cerebrum is sliced perpendicularly to its long axis and laid out to be examined. Sections for microscopic processing are taken, as from the other organs, and a few slices are held in "save jars." The remainder of the brain slices is incinerated.
Please send any constructive comments concerning this FAQ toEd Uthman, MD.
Copyright (c) 1994-96, Edward O. Uthman. Thismaterial may be reformatted and/or freely distributed via online services or other media, as long as it is not substantively altered. Authors, educators, and others are welcome to use any ideas presented herein, but I would ask for acknowledgement in any published work derived therefrom.
Filipino names converted to American
Old joke from the 90's...
Leo Mangubat: Tiger Woods
Rogelio Dagdag: Roger Moore
Francisco Portero: Frank Porter
Bienvenido Hurado: Ben Hur
Juan Tampipi: John Samsonite
Victoria Malihim: Victoria's secret
Restituto Fruto: Tuti Fruti
Casimiro Bocaycay: Cashmere Bouquet
Veneracion de Asis: Venereal Disease
Alfonso de Asis: Alzheimer's Disease
Topacio Mamaril: Top Gun
Eliuterio Ignacio: Electronic Ignition
Juanito Lakarin: Johnny Walker
Esteban Pagtakhan: Stevie Wonder
Burgos Reyes: Burger King
Ligaya Almundo: Joy to the World
Maria Natividad: Mary Christmas
Ligaya Anonuevo: Happy New Year
Federico Hagibis: Federal Express
Leo Mangubat: Tiger Woods
Rogelio Dagdag: Roger Moore
Francisco Portero: Frank Porter
Bienvenido Hurado: Ben Hur
Juan Tampipi: John Samsonite
Victoria Malihim: Victoria's secret
Restituto Fruto: Tuti Fruti
Casimiro Bocaycay: Cashmere Bouquet
Veneracion de Asis: Venereal Disease
Alfonso de Asis: Alzheimer's Disease
Topacio Mamaril: Top Gun
Eliuterio Ignacio: Electronic Ignition
Juanito Lakarin: Johnny Walker
Esteban Pagtakhan: Stevie Wonder
Burgos Reyes: Burger King
Ligaya Almundo: Joy to the World
Maria Natividad: Mary Christmas
Ligaya Anonuevo: Happy New Year
Federico Hagibis: Federal Express
Diet facts
DCAID late-breaking research findings on diets:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a Coke Zero with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are zeroed out by the Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate brandy, toast, and Starbucks almond cake.
5. If you fatten everyone else around you then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Brownies contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories: lettuce and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes; grapes and ham...
9. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other color.
10. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric material.
11. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.
Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a Coke Zero with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are zeroed out by the Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate brandy, toast, and Starbucks almond cake.
5. If you fatten everyone else around you then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Brownies contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories: lettuce and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes; grapes and ham...
9. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other color.
10. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric material.
11. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.
Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Monday, May 26, 2008
How to cook baked chicken chappati
1. Go buy a chicken.
2. Take a drink of scotch whisky.
3. Put chicken in the oven.
4. Take another two drinks of whiskey.
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens.
6. Take three more whiskeys of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take four whisks of drinky.
9. Chook the cicken.
10. Whiskey another bottle of get.
11. Stick a chicken in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13. Bake the whiskey for four hours.
14. Take the oven out of the chicken.
15. Take the oven out of the chicken.
16. Floor the chicken up off of the pick.
17. Chick the carven.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable, and pour yourself a glass of chicken.
20. Bless the saying, pass, and eat out.
2. Take a drink of scotch whisky.
3. Put chicken in the oven.
4. Take another two drinks of whiskey.
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens.
6. Take three more whiskeys of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take four whisks of drinky.
9. Chook the cicken.
10. Whiskey another bottle of get.
11. Stick a chicken in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13. Bake the whiskey for four hours.
14. Take the oven out of the chicken.
15. Take the oven out of the chicken.
16. Floor the chicken up off of the pick.
17. Chick the carven.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable, and pour yourself a glass of chicken.
20. Bless the saying, pass, and eat out.
If you love someone...
Original: If you love someone, set her free; If she comes back, she's yours; If she doesn't, she never was.
New:
Pessimist. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.
Optimist. If you love someone, set her free. Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious. If you love someone, set her free. If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient. If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back within some time, forget her.
Patient. If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
Playful. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again. Repeat.
Computer programmer:
if (you-love (m_she))
m_she.free ()
if (m_she==NULL)
m_she=new she;
Animal rights activist. If you love someone, set her free. In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free.
Bill Gates. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees, but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist. If you love someone, set her free. She'll evolve.
Statistician. If you love someone, set her free. If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high. If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenneger. If you love someone, set her free. She'll BE BACK.
Over possessive person. If you love someone, don't set her free.
HR specialist. If you love someone, set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits. Then outsource her.
MBA. If you love someone, set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.
Psychologist. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Somnambulist. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, it's a nightmare. If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
Existentialist. If you love someone, set YOURSELF FREE. If she asks you why, say you don't give a damn.
New:
Pessimist. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.
Optimist. If you love someone, set her free. Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious. If you love someone, set her free. If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient. If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back within some time, forget her.
Patient. If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
Playful. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again. Repeat.
Computer programmer:
if (you-love (m_she))
m_she.free ()
if (m_she==NULL)
m_she=new she;
Animal rights activist. If you love someone, set her free. In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free.
Bill Gates. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees, but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist. If you love someone, set her free. She'll evolve.
Statistician. If you love someone, set her free. If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high. If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenneger. If you love someone, set her free. She'll BE BACK.
Over possessive person. If you love someone, don't set her free.
HR specialist. If you love someone, set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits. Then outsource her.
MBA. If you love someone, set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.
Psychologist. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Somnambulist. If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, it's a nightmare. If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
Existentialist. If you love someone, set YOURSELF FREE. If she asks you why, say you don't give a damn.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
"Are you harboring a fugitive": hu yu hai ding
"See me ASAP.": kum hia nao
"Stupid man.": dum gai
"Small horse.": tai ni po ni
"Your price is too high.": no bai dam ting
"Did you go to the beach?": wai yu so tan
"I bumped into a coffee table.": ai bang mai ni
"I think you need a facelift.": chin tu fat
"It's very dark in here.": wai so dim
"Has your flight been delayed?": hao long wai ting
"That was an unauthorized execution.": lin ching
"I thought you were on a diet.": wai yu mun ching
"This is a tow away zone.": no pah king
"You know the lyrics to the Macarena?": wai yu sing dum song
"You're not very bright." yu so dum
"I got this for free.": ai no pei
"I am not guilty." wai hang mi
"Please stay a while longer.": wai go nao
"They have arrived.": hia dei kum
"Stay out of sight." lei lo
"He is cleaning his automobile." wa shing ka
"Your body odor is offensive." hu man go
"Eww, does this bathroom stink.": hu flung dung
"See me ASAP.": kum hia nao
"Stupid man.": dum gai
"Small horse.": tai ni po ni
"Your price is too high.": no bai dam ting
"Did you go to the beach?": wai yu so tan
"I bumped into a coffee table.": ai bang mai ni
"I think you need a facelift.": chin tu fat
"It's very dark in here.": wai so dim
"Has your flight been delayed?": hao long wai ting
"That was an unauthorized execution.": lin ching
"I thought you were on a diet.": wai yu mun ching
"This is a tow away zone.": no pah king
"You know the lyrics to the Macarena?": wai yu sing dum song
"You're not very bright." yu so dum
"I got this for free.": ai no pei
"I am not guilty." wai hang mi
"Please stay a while longer.": wai go nao
"They have arrived.": hia dei kum
"Stay out of sight." lei lo
"He is cleaning his automobile." wa shing ka
"Your body odor is offensive." hu man go
"Eww, does this bathroom stink.": hu flung dung
Monday, March 31, 2008
Italian tanks
I heard this joke the other day.
Italian tanks have 5 gears, 1 for forward and 4 for reverse. Why one gear forward? In case the enemy comes from behind!
Italian tanks have 5 gears, 1 for forward and 4 for reverse. Why one gear forward? In case the enemy comes from behind!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Little Red Riding Hood: Assassin
Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She had a sick grandmother who lived in the middle of the forest. Everyday, she would carry a basket with food and visit her.
This day was just like any other…
“Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red Riding Hood to the sick old woman.
“Cancer of the cornea, my child.” Little Red examines her grandmother’s eyes. “Metastatic. This looks terminal.”
“I am going to die, my child. But before I do, there’s something I’d like to tell you.”
But as Little Red leans closer to her grandmother the better to hear her, an old man silently enters the room, creeps up just behind Little Red, and knocks her out cold with a stick. Red crumples to the floor.
The old man approaches the grandmother. “At last, Gwendolyn. For the last 50 years I’ve been looking for you in every possible country. I finally found you. Now I will kill you.”
“Prince…Prince Charming…is that you?”
“Of course, Gwen, how many Prince Charmings do you know?”
“I’m glad to hear that. But before you kill me, I would like to tell you the story. The real story about what happened between Snow White and me 50 years ago.”
“All right. Go ahead, Gwen.”
“Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Snow White…”
Flashback to 50 years ago.
A fence named Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall with assorted genuine watches on one hand. Then two hip-hop hoodlums in leather jackets and shades come along from behind.
“Yo, ‘bro. I feel hungry,” says the one they call Doc.
“Yeah, me too Grump boy. Hey, see what I see?” He looks hungrily at the fence. They walk up to him. “Yo, egghead!”
“Oh, hey, hey, hi guys,” says Humpty Dumpty with a wide grin and a nervous but extremely annoying obstreperous tone. He drops a watch.
“Heard business’ doin’ good. Got any dough for us, man?” Grumpy steps on the watch.
“Hey, man, I payin’ my dues, see? Paid it all yesterday. Da watch’s yours!”
“What watch?” Grumpy crushes it under his foot. “Dat wuz yesterday, Dumby. I mean, whattabout now?”
“Ain’t got no dough, man! C’mon! Serious! Think ahm lyin'? Why should I Doc, eh, Grump? Eh? Hey! Hey!”
Grumpy and Doc beat up Humpty Dumpty, and walk away with some cash, leaving the fence squirming on the ground.
“Let’s get somethin’ t’eat.”
Meanwhile, in a room, three goons are sitting quietly around a table playing poker. The one they call Sneezy is smoking a cigar; Bashful has his foot on the table and is studying his cards; and Happy is looking at his cards and very seriously. Sleepy sits by the door sleeping. Dopey is talking into his cell phone.
After a moment of this Impressionist scene, Sneezy quietly speaks to Happy. “You’re cheating.” If looks can kill…
“WHA? ME CHEETIN? YOU CHEATIN! YOU CHEATIN! ME NOT CHEATIN!”
“Hey, cool it Happy! Cool it. We’re all brothers here, man! Brothers forever!”
Grumpy and Doc enter the room, looking very full, breaking the already broken tension. High fives and esoteric handshakes are exchanged.
“Yo bro’s!,” says Grumpy. “You ain’t gonna believe this bloke Humpty Dumb Ass. Said he got no dough. But we fixed him up real good, man, you know.”
“Yeah, real good. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put dumb ass together again, that kind of good, you know,” rejoins Doc. He walks up behind Happy, looks at his cards, and slaps him on the shoulder, with a big smile and a raucous voice. “Hey, man, you cheatin’! HA HA HA!”
“WHA? ME CHEETIN??? YOU CHEATIN! YOU CHEATIN! ME NOT CHEATIN!”
With hardly anyone noticing it, Sneezy, expressionless, with his eyes fixed on the nervous and unlooking Happy, calmly stands, puts a hand into a breast pocket. And just as he draws out a gun…
“Hello boys!” Snow White enters the room.
Everybody stops and looks at the alluring and regal matriarch of the dreaded Magical Mafia. “Good afternoon, Snow!”
“Sit down, sit down. Put that back Sneezy darling, I’ll have a job for you in a moment. Boys, I have an important announcement to make.”
She shoves Bashful aside and takes his place at the center of the table. Bashful immediately gets a mirror and holds it for Snow White as she edits her make-up.
“Well, I foresee the imminent demise of our maleficent Queen Gwen, who made it a crime to sell choco-ecstasy in grade schools all over the kingdom and forced us into the bubblegum business. Worst of all, she’s threatening to take Prince Charming from me. Does she think the Prince will ever believe that I’m the boss of the Magic Mafia?”
“You ARE the boss of the Magic Mafia! Yoohooo!” exclaim the goons.
“Well, she won’t if she’s dead, would she? And that’s exactly what I’m announcing: my plan to eliminate Gwen. And here’s how it goes.
“First thing tomorrow, she gets a letter from a Mr. Adada Muhammudu asking her to deposit $10,000.00 in an overseas account so she can receive $20 million from the heirs of a Mrs. Jewel Howard Taylor. She will immediately trash the letter knowing that it’s Nigerian mail fraud. The wastebasket is by the window, which faces another window across the street. In that other window will be a naked man doing calisthenics. (I’ve paid good money for this, you know.) At the exact right moment, boys, Gwen will see the man, then call the police to report him. But the police line is tapped, and the call will reach Sneezy darling over here, who, disguised as a policeman, will go up to that floor with an antitank missile disguised as a walkie-talkie, and then fire it straight into the Queen’s window across the street, eliminating her.
“That, my boys, is the plan.”
Everybody stands up and applauds.
Then, suddenly, Sleepy by the door collapses. Before anyone could react, so does Bashful. Then one of the goons shouts, “It’s, it’s…!”
“Gwendolyn.” A hooded figure in red enters the room. She clearly is a powerful person, like a Jedi. She removes the hood. “Hello, Snow White.”
“Get her boys,” says Snow White calmly.
The goons attack. One by one or in two’s, it does not matter. She is a taekwondo expert and quickly gets rid of them all. Only Snow White is left.
“Impressive, QUEEN Gwendolyn. For your age. May I ask, dear, how did you find out?” She calmly turns her back and takes out a make-up kit and continues doing her face.
“Timing, Snow. Your window man? Was practicing. Booked him yesterday for indecent exposure. Started singing. Took 3 minutes.”
Then the two women started speaking in a language that only women understand. We shall do our best to translate it.
SNOW: "Bakit ayaw nyo pa rin sa akin kahit sosyal at maganda ako? Dahil ba mas sweet ang iba?". (I like your hair, dear. Where did you have it made ba?)
GWEN: "Pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! (Ricky did it. I like your bag; think it’ll go well with that blouse I showed you three weeks ago?)
SNOW: "Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa tuwing wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod na ako sa pagngiti!" (Of course naman. But Ricky??? My gosh, he ruined my bangs the last time. Ruined! But you know what? I heard he’s getting married.)
GWEN: "You can cry all you want, you could always blame me. You said, itwasn't fair, that you just want life to be better. But remember, it's all your fault! You stabbed me with a knife! But, I won’t kill you, Snow. Not for Charming."
SNOW: “Let’s finish it all here, Gwen.”
Snow turns around; she has a gun in one hand. She fires. Gwen is hit.
“Arggh!” Gwen drops to the floor.
As she falls wounded, an apple rolls out from her dress. Snow White picks up the apple. “You never even thank me for making you happy, Gwen, then you throw me away just like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit!" Smiling maliciously at Gwen, she takes a bite.
And chokes.
She crumples to the ground. But before the lights go out she says, “Akh! You won’t get away Gwen. You think you poisoned me? I poisoned Charming! He’s going to hunt you, chase you, make you wish you were never…Akh Akh… born. He’ll kill you, Gwen…Akh.”
And with this she falls dead. Gwen, wounded, limps her way out of the room and disappears.
Just then a dashing figure of a Prince comes in. “SNOW!”
He runs to the dead mafiosa. “Check the pulse, check the pulse,” he says to himself. “DEAD! What happened Snow, what happened??? An apple. With her lipstick. Hmmm…I’m beginning to see a pattern here…POISON! This could only be the work of…of… let me see… let me see…QUEEN GWENDOLYN! Yes! That’s it: poison! QUEEN GWENDOLYN, I SWEAR, FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WILL HUNT YOU, CHASE YOU, MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!!”
And with this he leaves.
We’re back in the sick room, the aging Gwendolyn on the bed with corneal cancer, and the aging Prince Charming with a gun pointed limply at the old woman, who is already unconscious.
He speaks, “So, if she took the apple herself, then you didn’t kill her. Therefore, if she was the bad one, then you must be the good one. I’m beginning to see a pattern here…let me see…let me see…GWENDOLYN! I’M SO SOOOOORRY!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! YOU’RE THE ONE I REALLY LOVE! DON’T DIE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! P--”
Little Red Riding Hood, who had been knocked out earlier, rises to her feet, unbeknownst to Prince Charming. She pulls out a gun with a silencer, walks up behind the Prince, calmly—professionally--points the gun to his nape. The cold, inevitable steel of the weapon makes him stop in mid-sentence.
Without a look of surprise and without turning, Prince Charming raises his head, and smiles. “Ahh, yes, The Little Red Riding Hood. Gwendolyn's best student. No, don’t speak. Yes, you might think I killed your grandmother today. That’s false. I killed her 50 years ago. She got rid of her royal life, disappeared into the criminal underworld, rather than give the order to eliminate me, something she could have done so easily herself for she was the empoisonneuse par excellence and grand mistress of a sorority of assassins! She has trained you well, I see.
No, don’t speak. I shall be rather thankful if you killed me now.”
Red Riding Hood hesitates. At this dramatic point, Bambi the Deer prances in, singing this song:
And Red Riding Hood, the world’s greatest assassin, shoots Bambi dead.
The End.
(Thanks to the IT's: Cheks, Jazel, Jenny, Je, Matthew, Andrew, Arvin, Rowel, Jay, Sam, Chester, Iggy, Kat, and Ulrich. We all got together to write this story one afternoon, while acting it out.)
This day was just like any other…
“Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red Riding Hood to the sick old woman.
“Cancer of the cornea, my child.” Little Red examines her grandmother’s eyes. “Metastatic. This looks terminal.”
“I am going to die, my child. But before I do, there’s something I’d like to tell you.”
But as Little Red leans closer to her grandmother the better to hear her, an old man silently enters the room, creeps up just behind Little Red, and knocks her out cold with a stick. Red crumples to the floor.
The old man approaches the grandmother. “At last, Gwendolyn. For the last 50 years I’ve been looking for you in every possible country. I finally found you. Now I will kill you.”
“Prince…Prince Charming…is that you?”
“Of course, Gwen, how many Prince Charmings do you know?”
“I’m glad to hear that. But before you kill me, I would like to tell you the story. The real story about what happened between Snow White and me 50 years ago.”
“All right. Go ahead, Gwen.”
“Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Snow White…”
Flashback to 50 years ago.
A fence named Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall with assorted genuine watches on one hand. Then two hip-hop hoodlums in leather jackets and shades come along from behind.
“Yo, ‘bro. I feel hungry,” says the one they call Doc.
“Yeah, me too Grump boy. Hey, see what I see?” He looks hungrily at the fence. They walk up to him. “Yo, egghead!”
“Oh, hey, hey, hi guys,” says Humpty Dumpty with a wide grin and a nervous but extremely annoying obstreperous tone. He drops a watch.
“Heard business’ doin’ good. Got any dough for us, man?” Grumpy steps on the watch.
“Hey, man, I payin’ my dues, see? Paid it all yesterday. Da watch’s yours!”
“What watch?” Grumpy crushes it under his foot. “Dat wuz yesterday, Dumby. I mean, whattabout now?”
“Ain’t got no dough, man! C’mon! Serious! Think ahm lyin'? Why should I Doc, eh, Grump? Eh? Hey! Hey!”
Grumpy and Doc beat up Humpty Dumpty, and walk away with some cash, leaving the fence squirming on the ground.
“Let’s get somethin’ t’eat.”
Meanwhile, in a room, three goons are sitting quietly around a table playing poker. The one they call Sneezy is smoking a cigar; Bashful has his foot on the table and is studying his cards; and Happy is looking at his cards and very seriously. Sleepy sits by the door sleeping. Dopey is talking into his cell phone.
After a moment of this Impressionist scene, Sneezy quietly speaks to Happy. “You’re cheating.” If looks can kill…
“WHA? ME CHEETIN? YOU CHEATIN! YOU CHEATIN! ME NOT CHEATIN!”
“Hey, cool it Happy! Cool it. We’re all brothers here, man! Brothers forever!”
Grumpy and Doc enter the room, looking very full, breaking the already broken tension. High fives and esoteric handshakes are exchanged.
“Yo bro’s!,” says Grumpy. “You ain’t gonna believe this bloke Humpty Dumb Ass. Said he got no dough. But we fixed him up real good, man, you know.”
“Yeah, real good. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put dumb ass together again, that kind of good, you know,” rejoins Doc. He walks up behind Happy, looks at his cards, and slaps him on the shoulder, with a big smile and a raucous voice. “Hey, man, you cheatin’! HA HA HA!”
“WHA? ME CHEETIN??? YOU CHEATIN! YOU CHEATIN! ME NOT CHEATIN!”
With hardly anyone noticing it, Sneezy, expressionless, with his eyes fixed on the nervous and unlooking Happy, calmly stands, puts a hand into a breast pocket. And just as he draws out a gun…
“Hello boys!” Snow White enters the room.
Everybody stops and looks at the alluring and regal matriarch of the dreaded Magical Mafia. “Good afternoon, Snow!”
“Sit down, sit down. Put that back Sneezy darling, I’ll have a job for you in a moment. Boys, I have an important announcement to make.”
She shoves Bashful aside and takes his place at the center of the table. Bashful immediately gets a mirror and holds it for Snow White as she edits her make-up.
“Well, I foresee the imminent demise of our maleficent Queen Gwen, who made it a crime to sell choco-ecstasy in grade schools all over the kingdom and forced us into the bubblegum business. Worst of all, she’s threatening to take Prince Charming from me. Does she think the Prince will ever believe that I’m the boss of the Magic Mafia?”
“You ARE the boss of the Magic Mafia! Yoohooo!” exclaim the goons.
“Well, she won’t if she’s dead, would she? And that’s exactly what I’m announcing: my plan to eliminate Gwen. And here’s how it goes.
“First thing tomorrow, she gets a letter from a Mr. Adada Muhammudu asking her to deposit $10,000.00 in an overseas account so she can receive $20 million from the heirs of a Mrs. Jewel Howard Taylor. She will immediately trash the letter knowing that it’s Nigerian mail fraud. The wastebasket is by the window, which faces another window across the street. In that other window will be a naked man doing calisthenics. (I’ve paid good money for this, you know.) At the exact right moment, boys, Gwen will see the man, then call the police to report him. But the police line is tapped, and the call will reach Sneezy darling over here, who, disguised as a policeman, will go up to that floor with an antitank missile disguised as a walkie-talkie, and then fire it straight into the Queen’s window across the street, eliminating her.
“That, my boys, is the plan.”
Everybody stands up and applauds.
Then, suddenly, Sleepy by the door collapses. Before anyone could react, so does Bashful. Then one of the goons shouts, “It’s, it’s…!”
“Gwendolyn.” A hooded figure in red enters the room. She clearly is a powerful person, like a Jedi. She removes the hood. “Hello, Snow White.”
“Get her boys,” says Snow White calmly.
The goons attack. One by one or in two’s, it does not matter. She is a taekwondo expert and quickly gets rid of them all. Only Snow White is left.
“Impressive, QUEEN Gwendolyn. For your age. May I ask, dear, how did you find out?” She calmly turns her back and takes out a make-up kit and continues doing her face.
“Timing, Snow. Your window man? Was practicing. Booked him yesterday for indecent exposure. Started singing. Took 3 minutes.”
Then the two women started speaking in a language that only women understand. We shall do our best to translate it.
SNOW: "Bakit ayaw nyo pa rin sa akin kahit sosyal at maganda ako? Dahil ba mas sweet ang iba?". (I like your hair, dear. Where did you have it made ba?)
GWEN: "Pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! (Ricky did it. I like your bag; think it’ll go well with that blouse I showed you three weeks ago?)
SNOW: "Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa tuwing wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod na ako sa pagngiti!" (Of course naman. But Ricky??? My gosh, he ruined my bangs the last time. Ruined! But you know what? I heard he’s getting married.)
GWEN: "You can cry all you want, you could always blame me. You said, itwasn't fair, that you just want life to be better. But remember, it's all your fault! You stabbed me with a knife! But, I won’t kill you, Snow. Not for Charming."
SNOW: “Let’s finish it all here, Gwen.”
Snow turns around; she has a gun in one hand. She fires. Gwen is hit.
“Arggh!” Gwen drops to the floor.
As she falls wounded, an apple rolls out from her dress. Snow White picks up the apple. “You never even thank me for making you happy, Gwen, then you throw me away just like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit!" Smiling maliciously at Gwen, she takes a bite.
And chokes.
She crumples to the ground. But before the lights go out she says, “Akh! You won’t get away Gwen. You think you poisoned me? I poisoned Charming! He’s going to hunt you, chase you, make you wish you were never…Akh Akh… born. He’ll kill you, Gwen…Akh.”
And with this she falls dead. Gwen, wounded, limps her way out of the room and disappears.
Just then a dashing figure of a Prince comes in. “SNOW!”
He runs to the dead mafiosa. “Check the pulse, check the pulse,” he says to himself. “DEAD! What happened Snow, what happened??? An apple. With her lipstick. Hmmm…I’m beginning to see a pattern here…POISON! This could only be the work of…of… let me see… let me see…QUEEN GWENDOLYN! Yes! That’s it: poison! QUEEN GWENDOLYN, I SWEAR, FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WILL HUNT YOU, CHASE YOU, MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!!”
And with this he leaves.
We’re back in the sick room, the aging Gwendolyn on the bed with corneal cancer, and the aging Prince Charming with a gun pointed limply at the old woman, who is already unconscious.
He speaks, “So, if she took the apple herself, then you didn’t kill her. Therefore, if she was the bad one, then you must be the good one. I’m beginning to see a pattern here…let me see…let me see…GWENDOLYN! I’M SO SOOOOORRY!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! YOU’RE THE ONE I REALLY LOVE! DON’T DIE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! P--”
Little Red Riding Hood, who had been knocked out earlier, rises to her feet, unbeknownst to Prince Charming. She pulls out a gun with a silencer, walks up behind the Prince, calmly—professionally--points the gun to his nape. The cold, inevitable steel of the weapon makes him stop in mid-sentence.
Without a look of surprise and without turning, Prince Charming raises his head, and smiles. “Ahh, yes, The Little Red Riding Hood. Gwendolyn's best student. No, don’t speak. Yes, you might think I killed your grandmother today. That’s false. I killed her 50 years ago. She got rid of her royal life, disappeared into the criminal underworld, rather than give the order to eliminate me, something she could have done so easily herself for she was the empoisonneuse par excellence and grand mistress of a sorority of assassins! She has trained you well, I see.
No, don’t speak. I shall be rather thankful if you killed me now.”
Red Riding Hood hesitates. At this dramatic point, Bambi the Deer prances in, singing this song:
Love is a song that never ends
Life may be swift and fleeting
Hope may die yet love's beautiful music
Comes each day like the dawn
Life may be swift and fleeting
Hope may die yet love's beautiful music
Comes each day like the dawn
And Red Riding Hood, the world’s greatest assassin, shoots Bambi dead.
The End.
(Thanks to the IT's: Cheks, Jazel, Jenny, Je, Matthew, Andrew, Arvin, Rowel, Jay, Sam, Chester, Iggy, Kat, and Ulrich. We all got together to write this story one afternoon, while acting it out.)
Sir Galahad and the Witch
Once upon a time, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, were galloping around Camelot when they were surrounded by a band of strange knights.
"Halt there, King Arthur. You are trespassing in the realm of King Olaff. I'm afraid we have to put you under arrest," said the leader of the band.
"You have reason, gallant knight. And you far outnumber us. As I do not wish to shed blood on such a matter, then we will just have to go with you," said King Arthur.
And so they were escorted to the castle of King Olaff.
"Good day, King Arthur. I see you have been galloping around again; too bad you trespassed. As per our agreement, you and your men will have to spend a week in jail," said the fat King Olaff, his fatty belly bouncing with every breath of amused movement.
"Hopefully not this time, good King Olaff. For I and my knights must prepare for Sir Percival's daughter who is coming of age in three days. Have you received the invitations?"
"As a matter of fact, I have, O King. But an agreement is an agreement. Nevertheless, since you are a gentleman, I will give you an option. Give me an answer to this riddle--and I'll give you a whole year to look for the answer. If you come back to me next year with the correct answer, you shall go. If not, you must spend time in my jail. You'll like the new bling blings I've added, by the way."
"Agreed, King Olaff. What is your riddle?"
"The riddle, O King, is this: What do women really want?"
Laughing inside, King Arthur says, "Are you certain you do not want a week? But, then, a year you say and a year it shall be. We shall return with the answer. In the meantime, I shall expect you at Camelot in three days?"
"You've given me a king's word, and I'll give you mine. What do women really want. Farewell!"
And off they went.
Almost a year later, King Arthur and his Knights were sitting around the Round Table. The mood was not quite right.
"We have 24 hours to find the answer to Olaffable's riddle. I do not wish to spend time in his jail, new interiors notwithstanding. How did I ever cram on this," sighed King Arthur.
"You were too busy on papers, presentations, group work. And some experts were not available for consultation. It's understandable," said Percival.
"Drop it," interjected Lancelot. "We've surveyed everyone who matters in this kingdom. We've gone to every barber, every fish seller, every mailman. Yet all gave unsatisfactory answers."
"OF COURSE!" exclaimed Gawain, making everybody jump. "There is still one more person we have not asked. A wicked old hag living in the very frontiers of Camelot."
"Then let's get to her, man!" says King Arthur.
"O King, it is not so easy," said Gawain. "For three reasons. First of all, she's evil incarnate."
"You don't know my mother-in-law," said King Arthur.
"She stinks."
"How bad?"
Gawain whispers something so disgusting to King Arthur's ear that he almost vomits.
"We'll bring a gallon of ammonia. Each." Then, to himself, "We'll probably have to throw in a flame thrower also." And speaking to Gawain, "What's the--(ewww!)--third?"
"She's very very ugly. As in."
"How ugly?"
"She looks like Kris Aquino, only thinner." (He was referring, of course, to Kris Aquino, King Arthur's plumber, whom historians say was actually a transvestite.)
"Fine. We're knights. We can do it. Let's not a minute waste! Ask the page to prepare the ammonia and the flame thrower ("Flame thrower?" whispered Lancelot.), get the horses ready, and off we go!"
So they made their way to the witch's domain.
It was clear they had arrived when rainforest abruptly gave way to shrub desert. Here was a dead bird, over there a dead rabbit, and over there a scabby dog gnawing at its own tail. And in the middle of all this wasteland, radiating evil 360 degrees, was a worn down cottage, its walls covered by dog hide in various places, its roof held in place by rubber tires; and in front, a sign that said "Forget the dog. Beware of--", the last word hidden by a knife impaling what oddly looked like a pig's heart dissected.
After bathing in ammonia, King Arthur ("I wonder what ek eks Olaffingstock added to his dungeon...") goes up to the cottage. "Hello. Anyone home?"
The door opens, and out comes the ugliest hag ever encountered in English literature. "Hus dis?" she says. "Wacha want?" She was eating a cob of corn. Through her nose.
"I'm King Arthur, and I need to ask you a question: What do women really want?"
The wicked witch continued to gnaw at her corn.
"Wellll?"
"Heh? Wana me t'answer dat? Shud'v sed so. Why d'you wana know?" Then to herself, "King, king, duzn't know t'speak clearly."
King Arthur explains.
Then to King Arthur she says, "Yeah, King Smells-Like-Piss, ahl answer dat. But I wana somethin' in payment."
"Agreed, witch. Whatever. What do you ask?"
"If wat ah say is right, you must give me one of your knights in marriage!"
At this, even the horses panicked, if not for the strong hands of their masters, who in deep despair looked at each other, and especially to their impulsive King.
After about two minutes of this, Sir Galahad spoke. "O King Arthur, it is clear that this knight should be me."
Everyone looked at him. King Arthur said, "I verily salute your courage; I would have said the same thing in your place. But why you, Sir Galahad?"
"I'm the only one who's not married yet." Galahad looked very very VERY forlorn.
A pause. Then King Arthur said, "Well, I thank you for this sacrifice. If ever a greater honor than a knight there was, I shall have rewarded you with it. (Whose f***** horse trampled on that flame thrower?!?)" Then to the witch, "You have our word for it, witch. Sir Galahad here will marry you if your answer is correct. Let's get on with it."
"Wat do women really want, King Arth-urea? Wat women really want is that you LET THEM BE."
Since there were was not enough time even for a thanksgiving speech, the galant men rushed to Olaff's realm.
"King Arthur, indeed. Ha ha! You truly are a man of your word!" said the fat and bouncy King Olaff.
"If you only knew."
"So, my friend and colleague, ha ha! What do women really want, eh?"
"What women really want, Olaff my boy? Huh!?! What women REALLY want?!? Is that we LET THEM BE!!! SH*T!!! I SWEAR, THIS AMMONIA--"
"That is correct," said King Olaff, a sudden look of reflection falling on his face.
Everyone shuts up. Then all shout, "HURRAH! HURRAH!" High fives and esoteric handshakes straight from a Snow White movie are exchanged. Everyone, that is, except Galahad.
This sudden realization overtakes King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.
"What is it, King Arthur," said the visibly impressed and now worried King Olaff.
"Nothing, Olaff. You're invited, out of courtesy, to a marriage feast in three days. That is, only if you want--"
"Of course I'll be there! Who is it? Galahad? Your only bachelor knight? And who's the lucky lady?"
"Just show up." And with this they all return to Camelot like an army in rout.
Majestic preparations were made. The witch was picked up and escorted to the palace. In three days, Camelot was awash with bling blings and ek eks and colors. Young ladies everywhere were crying.
During the procession, the heartthrob Sir Galahad was in his best shining armor. His fiancee the witch was in her pajamas, her louse-infested hair unkempt, her teeth all black and green, laughing loudly at her own jokes, finger in the nose, nagging, burping on one end, blasting gas on the other.
And Galahad, through all this, acted like the perfect gentleman, showing nothing but affection and honor towards his brand new wife.
As afternoon turned to evening, and as the last party guests bid goodbye (he had been trying to delay their departure for the last eighteen and a half hours), Sir Galahad began to steel himself to encounter his wife in her bedchamber.
Standing before her door, he knocked. No answer. He entered.
The witch had disappeared.In her place was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen! She was dressed in satiny robes, her skin smooth and white, her hair long, black, silky smooth. Galahad just stood there, his face in shock.Then she said, with the sweetest smile, "I was the witch, Sir Galahad. But since you acted so much as a gentleman, treating me with honor and respect, I have decided to show you my true self.
"But there's a catch. I can be like this only in the morning or only in the evening. When do you want me to be like this?"
Galahad the wise, Galahad the intelligent, remembering the most important lesson of the past few days, finally answers, "As you wish, my Lady."
Then there was a terrific explosion. When the smoke and thunder and lightning cleared, the girl from the Close Up-shampoo commercial had disappeared! In her place was a BLONDE babe a hundred times more beautiful than the first, in bluish satin robes, wearing breakable glass slippers.
She said, "Because you are not only a gentleman, but are also very wise, I have decided to be like this...all the time!"
And they lived happily together for the next eight or so years.
The moral of the story?
Your wife or your girlfriend might be evil, bitchy, stinky. But, remember, deep, deep down inside...
She's just a witch.
(I first heard this story some years ago from a friend, Erik Santos. Dunno where he got it. The illustration is from http://www.sbceo.k12.ca.us/~vms/carlton/page17.html.)
"Halt there, King Arthur. You are trespassing in the realm of King Olaff. I'm afraid we have to put you under arrest," said the leader of the band.
"You have reason, gallant knight. And you far outnumber us. As I do not wish to shed blood on such a matter, then we will just have to go with you," said King Arthur.
And so they were escorted to the castle of King Olaff.
"Good day, King Arthur. I see you have been galloping around again; too bad you trespassed. As per our agreement, you and your men will have to spend a week in jail," said the fat King Olaff, his fatty belly bouncing with every breath of amused movement.
"Hopefully not this time, good King Olaff. For I and my knights must prepare for Sir Percival's daughter who is coming of age in three days. Have you received the invitations?"
"As a matter of fact, I have, O King. But an agreement is an agreement. Nevertheless, since you are a gentleman, I will give you an option. Give me an answer to this riddle--and I'll give you a whole year to look for the answer. If you come back to me next year with the correct answer, you shall go. If not, you must spend time in my jail. You'll like the new bling blings I've added, by the way."
"Agreed, King Olaff. What is your riddle?"
"The riddle, O King, is this: What do women really want?"
Laughing inside, King Arthur says, "Are you certain you do not want a week? But, then, a year you say and a year it shall be. We shall return with the answer. In the meantime, I shall expect you at Camelot in three days?"
"You've given me a king's word, and I'll give you mine. What do women really want. Farewell!"
And off they went.
Almost a year later, King Arthur and his Knights were sitting around the Round Table. The mood was not quite right.
"We have 24 hours to find the answer to Olaffable's riddle. I do not wish to spend time in his jail, new interiors notwithstanding. How did I ever cram on this," sighed King Arthur.
"You were too busy on papers, presentations, group work. And some experts were not available for consultation. It's understandable," said Percival.
"Drop it," interjected Lancelot. "We've surveyed everyone who matters in this kingdom. We've gone to every barber, every fish seller, every mailman. Yet all gave unsatisfactory answers."
"OF COURSE!" exclaimed Gawain, making everybody jump. "There is still one more person we have not asked. A wicked old hag living in the very frontiers of Camelot."
"Then let's get to her, man!" says King Arthur.
"O King, it is not so easy," said Gawain. "For three reasons. First of all, she's evil incarnate."
"You don't know my mother-in-law," said King Arthur.
"She stinks."
"How bad?"
Gawain whispers something so disgusting to King Arthur's ear that he almost vomits.
"We'll bring a gallon of ammonia. Each." Then, to himself, "We'll probably have to throw in a flame thrower also." And speaking to Gawain, "What's the--(ewww!)--third?"
"She's very very ugly. As in."
"How ugly?"
"She looks like Kris Aquino, only thinner." (He was referring, of course, to Kris Aquino, King Arthur's plumber, whom historians say was actually a transvestite.)
"Fine. We're knights. We can do it. Let's not a minute waste! Ask the page to prepare the ammonia and the flame thrower ("Flame thrower?" whispered Lancelot.), get the horses ready, and off we go!"
So they made their way to the witch's domain.
It was clear they had arrived when rainforest abruptly gave way to shrub desert. Here was a dead bird, over there a dead rabbit, and over there a scabby dog gnawing at its own tail. And in the middle of all this wasteland, radiating evil 360 degrees, was a worn down cottage, its walls covered by dog hide in various places, its roof held in place by rubber tires; and in front, a sign that said "Forget the dog. Beware of--", the last word hidden by a knife impaling what oddly looked like a pig's heart dissected.
After bathing in ammonia, King Arthur ("I wonder what ek eks Olaffingstock added to his dungeon...") goes up to the cottage. "Hello. Anyone home?"
The door opens, and out comes the ugliest hag ever encountered in English literature. "Hus dis?" she says. "Wacha want?" She was eating a cob of corn. Through her nose.
"I'm King Arthur, and I need to ask you a question: What do women really want?"
The wicked witch continued to gnaw at her corn.
"Wellll?"
"Heh? Wana me t'answer dat? Shud'v sed so. Why d'you wana know?" Then to herself, "King, king, duzn't know t'speak clearly."
King Arthur explains.
Then to King Arthur she says, "Yeah, King Smells-Like-Piss, ahl answer dat. But I wana somethin' in payment."
"Agreed, witch. Whatever. What do you ask?"
"If wat ah say is right, you must give me one of your knights in marriage!"
At this, even the horses panicked, if not for the strong hands of their masters, who in deep despair looked at each other, and especially to their impulsive King.
After about two minutes of this, Sir Galahad spoke. "O King Arthur, it is clear that this knight should be me."
Everyone looked at him. King Arthur said, "I verily salute your courage; I would have said the same thing in your place. But why you, Sir Galahad?"
"I'm the only one who's not married yet." Galahad looked very very VERY forlorn.
A pause. Then King Arthur said, "Well, I thank you for this sacrifice. If ever a greater honor than a knight there was, I shall have rewarded you with it. (Whose f***** horse trampled on that flame thrower?!?)" Then to the witch, "You have our word for it, witch. Sir Galahad here will marry you if your answer is correct. Let's get on with it."
"Wat do women really want, King Arth-urea? Wat women really want is that you LET THEM BE."
Since there were was not enough time even for a thanksgiving speech, the galant men rushed to Olaff's realm.
"King Arthur, indeed. Ha ha! You truly are a man of your word!" said the fat and bouncy King Olaff.
"If you only knew."
"So, my friend and colleague, ha ha! What do women really want, eh?"
"What women really want, Olaff my boy? Huh!?! What women REALLY want?!? Is that we LET THEM BE!!! SH*T!!! I SWEAR, THIS AMMONIA--"
"That is correct," said King Olaff, a sudden look of reflection falling on his face.
Everyone shuts up. Then all shout, "HURRAH! HURRAH!" High fives and esoteric handshakes straight from a Snow White movie are exchanged. Everyone, that is, except Galahad.
This sudden realization overtakes King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.
"What is it, King Arthur," said the visibly impressed and now worried King Olaff.
"Nothing, Olaff. You're invited, out of courtesy, to a marriage feast in three days. That is, only if you want--"
"Of course I'll be there! Who is it? Galahad? Your only bachelor knight? And who's the lucky lady?"
"Just show up." And with this they all return to Camelot like an army in rout.
Majestic preparations were made. The witch was picked up and escorted to the palace. In three days, Camelot was awash with bling blings and ek eks and colors. Young ladies everywhere were crying.
During the procession, the heartthrob Sir Galahad was in his best shining armor. His fiancee the witch was in her pajamas, her louse-infested hair unkempt, her teeth all black and green, laughing loudly at her own jokes, finger in the nose, nagging, burping on one end, blasting gas on the other.
And Galahad, through all this, acted like the perfect gentleman, showing nothing but affection and honor towards his brand new wife.
As afternoon turned to evening, and as the last party guests bid goodbye (he had been trying to delay their departure for the last eighteen and a half hours), Sir Galahad began to steel himself to encounter his wife in her bedchamber.
Standing before her door, he knocked. No answer. He entered.
The witch had disappeared.In her place was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen! She was dressed in satiny robes, her skin smooth and white, her hair long, black, silky smooth. Galahad just stood there, his face in shock.Then she said, with the sweetest smile, "I was the witch, Sir Galahad. But since you acted so much as a gentleman, treating me with honor and respect, I have decided to show you my true self.
"But there's a catch. I can be like this only in the morning or only in the evening. When do you want me to be like this?"
Galahad the wise, Galahad the intelligent, remembering the most important lesson of the past few days, finally answers, "As you wish, my Lady."
Then there was a terrific explosion. When the smoke and thunder and lightning cleared, the girl from the Close Up-shampoo commercial had disappeared! In her place was a BLONDE babe a hundred times more beautiful than the first, in bluish satin robes, wearing breakable glass slippers.
She said, "Because you are not only a gentleman, but are also very wise, I have decided to be like this...all the time!"
And they lived happily together for the next eight or so years.
The moral of the story?
Your wife or your girlfriend might be evil, bitchy, stinky. But, remember, deep, deep down inside...
She's just a witch.
(I first heard this story some years ago from a friend, Erik Santos. Dunno where he got it. The illustration is from http://www.sbceo.k12.ca.us/~vms/carlton/page17.html.)
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